Class 45: The End of the Challenge

So then what happened?

Sorry I've been gone so long. I not only did not make it to the 4:00 p.m. class on Sunday, I didn't make it back to class until Wednesday. 10 days and a 90-minute deep tissue massage later, and I can still feel my tight left hamstring, a knot in my glute, and occasionally, a twinge in my hip and psoas. I did make it back to class last Wednesday. Kyle was teaching and I really wanted to get one last class in before the challenge ended. Finish on Class #45 and a better note than snot-nosed sobbing. Kyle was great. She took one look at me when I walked in and said "You look completely freaked out. It's going to be okay. Just enjoy being back in the heat. If it hurts, don't do it and I'll let you know which ones are likely to be tough. Go get on the hot side."

And I did, and she did and I felt MUCH better. There were many postures I couldn't do at all, but some that surprised me. The heat did feel good and so did being able to complete class #45. Kyle yelled at one point "That Pada Hastasana does not belong to someone with an injured lower back!" And that made me smile even though it wasn't my normal expression of the posture.

I was off for Good Friday and decided to return for a massage. I could feel the lump in my hamstring when she got to it and learned a lot about how all those muscles connect. It continues to ache though, so I am still contemplating a trip to the chiropractor. There is a stubborn part of me that continues to think "Bikram Yoga is supposed to fix everything. Why can't it fix this?" And maybe it can over time.

I returned for Kyle's Easter Sunday extravaganza, which was hilarious. Upon entering the studio, we were instructed to look for a yellow egg {complete with smiley faces}. Inside was a fireball {of course}. Kyle had on bunny ears and regaled us with rabbit puns and Easter stories throughout the entire class. For several postures we had to balance the egg on our bodies or reach for it with our heads. The second part of Awkward was a contest to see who could hold the position the longest. Viann's Awkward was a beauty to behold and she walked away with a gift bag of tulips, candy and yoga goodies.

The whole thing was fun and wonderful, but still very difficult for me. It seems as though all the postures that I'm good at {and therefore love} are the ones I struggle with the most now. Pada Hastasana, Standing Separate Leg Stretching, Head to Knee and Stretching Pose are all nightmarish. My body just doesn't want to do the forward stretches. I am learning to love the poses I can do. J.R. said to me {partly in jest} that maybe the universe wants me to learn to love ALL the poses. Lynne would say, "No expectations!" I am certainly being tested. When I was in class on Sunday, miserable because I hurt and I wanted to do Rabbit, I thought longingly of the days when the only pain was from playing the edge of the posture. But yoga is not about the postures. And this seems to be a point the Universe wants to drive home now.

So now what?

It's amazing how much more room my life seems to have inside it now that the challenge is over. I cooked dinner last for us last night and it was for the first time in over a month. This is something I normally love to do, but the 7:00 p.m. classes made impossible. I've been craving time to read, or to work late and now I can do those things. It's tremendously freeing. At the same time, I miss the yoga when I'm not there for two days in a row. Even though my class total for the 60-Day Challenge only turned out to be 45, I feel like a tremendous success. I never even thought I'd attempt a 30-Day Challenge and here I am, two months later wondering how I can make this yoga a permanent part of my life. I need it. And that was really the goal for me. It's good to be a part of something that stretches you every time you do it and I'm not talking about the physicality of it. The challenge is over but the journey is not.

I'll be back in class tomorrow night ready to try it all again! And I'll continue to post here, although not every night. Thanks to all of you for coming along for the ride. It does make a HUGE difference!

Namaste.

Day 53, Class 44 & 1/2: Testing My Limits

Despite my brave words from the last post, there was little smiling at the 9:00 a.m. class. Kyle announced that Sarah had a new studio rule. The front row was prime real estate and they were going to ask those in the front row not to sit down. If you needed a break from a posture and you were in the front row, you could stand. I was already a little nervous going in to class because I still hurt and I still planned to do a double, but I also thought it was fair. New people stand in the back so they can see what more experienced yogis are doing. When we sit down, there is a domino effect. And so often, we do give ourselves a break simply because we can.

I stayed in the front row and I stayed standing but it was a class with a lot of hurt. Trying to push through was important to me. As I have said in numerous posts, I am a weenie. If it hurts, I tend to pull away and as J.R. remarked to me one day, "You aren't the least bit competitive." I'm not. I think that some athletes are and that state of mind helps them get through the task at hand. Pada Hastasana was hard, Separate Leg Stretching was hard, the sit ups were painful and these are all things I normally look forward to! And there were tears at certain junctures and the runny nose that comes with it and makes it hard to breathe.

I apologize to anyone who tried to talk to me between classes. I wasn't very good company, but I was determined. So I changed my clothes, put a comb through my hair, drank some coconut water, and went back in and laid in Savasana until Sarah flipped the lights on for the 11:00 class. When I got to my feet it wasn't pretty. The whole left side of my body from mid-back to ankle hurt and the act of standing up required some contortion. That should have been the ultimate sign to me, but of course, it wasn't. Sarah must have seen me though, because she asked what was wrong and when I told her she said gently, "Maybe this isn't the best day for a double."

Even that wasn't enough, I drew myself up and said I really wanted to get a few more classes in for the challenge and that time was running out. And so we began. Pranayama wasn't too bad, Half-Moon hurt, but Half-Moon frequently hurts, the Back Bend was awful but it's supposed to hurt, right? Pada Hastasana was brutal. Straightening back up I felt old and highly arthritic. Awkward was okay, Eagle was okay, even Separate Leg Head to Knee and Standing Bow were okay and then came Separate Leg Stretching and that was the end. I hurt so badly and I had a really difficult time coming out of it and even though we were almost halfway through the class, I knew there was no one way I could continue. I started to cry with huge wracking sobs and said to Sarah, "I think you were right about this not being a good day for a double." Then I picked up my stuff and fled.

Sarah asked Kyle if she could pinch hit for a while and then she came after me. I felt terrible about distracting the entire class and pulling Kyle away from her practice. Sarah was wonderful. She called me a "bruiser" and wrapped a towel around me, got me an ice pack and some pillows, and told me to lie there for as long as I needed. She checked on me again during the two-minute Savasana and told me to move the ice pack so I didn't "freezer burn" myself.

So there I was, lying on my back in the lobby, staring up at the halogens, listening to Aretha Franklin {I LOVE Aretha Franklin!} and thinking. As Sarah said while she was getting me set up, "It's so hard to know which voice to listen to." But I think trying was important for me. It was necessary for me to come to the 9:00 even though I already hurt. Understanding and learning to trust the voices around us and inside us is so vital. And it's good to stretch our expectations of ourselves as much as it is to stretch our bodies. I still hurt today, but I've stretched the boundaries of what I think I can do.

So my plan of accomplishing two doubles this weekend has been scrapped. Right now, I'm just kind of hoping I can make it to today's 4:00 p.m. class. If it hurts too much even then, then I'll plan to go to 7:00 p.m. on Monday. Happily, the yoga studio and its lovely people and its challenges are always there!

Days 50-52, Classes 42 & 43: Smile! It makes it easier.

Wednesday night was a terrific class with Kyle. She stopped to demonstrate Half Moon which was highly enlightening. Somehow, seeing the posture with a good explanation sometimes really can make all the difference. I felt really good about my floor bows because I did push and I felt like I went somewhere new. We had a funny conversation about my touching my ankle bones together during Stretching pose. I said that I was trying but that my fingers wrapped around my toes keeps them from touching. Kyle looked dubious. In her defense, lots of other people seem to be able to do it. I shall just have to try harder.

Last night I was too sore/exhausted from an all-day photo shoot at school. We were all over campus, up and down a million stairs, and lugging camera equipment, although I certainly had the lighter load. I returned home and immediately crawled into bed and passed out.

Tonight was 6:00 p.m. with Abby. It has been too long since I took a class with Abby and she said something near the beginning of class {could it have been Awkward pose?} that I loved. "Smile! It makes it easier." And it does. It's a good thing she said it too. I was in the second set of Standing Separate Leg Stretching Pose, reaching mightily to touch my forehead to my towel and it happened. I felt a slight pop in the back of my left thigh (if my hamstring were a guitar string it would have let out a sour twang} and then felt a bit of pain and then we were out. In triangle I felt okay on the right side but oh, when I went to the other side I went down and then out! {Kyle I can feel you rolling your eyes. But really, it did just give way! And remember, I am a weenie!} And it HURT! I got through the rest of class {except for floor bow -- I grabbed my feet but when the kicking began I immediately stopped} and talked to Abby afterward. She's thinking that the terrifying bruise right above the back of my left knee is from pushing my hamstrings a little too hard.

I've been thinking about doing back-to-back doubles tomorrow and Sunday to get a little more caught up. We'll see. Abby said to ice it tonight, let Kyle and Sarah know tomorrow, and just see how it goes. Wise counsel, I think. I'd really like to do the doubles. We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, smile, it really does make it easier!

Days 48 & 49, Class 41: Yoga for the Masses

At work today I logged in to Facebook to post a story for my school and saw that Lynne had indicated in her status that she was packing for her trip to the West Coast. I checked the schedule and realized that the 5:00 p.m. today was the last class she was teaching for a week so I left work a bit early so I could be there.

EVIDENTLY SO DID 40 OTHER PEOPLE!

Now, I have no idea if they were all there because they also needed a Lynne fix or because 5:00 p.m. fit their schedule best or if the cold snap was driving people back to the 105 degree room, but it was crazy and wonderful and so, so hot and humid!

My friend Shelley came in when I did and when we walked in the studio to place our mats I walked back out because I thought most of the people in the room were leftover from a previous class. {Note: There is no class directly preceding the 5:00 p.m. Duh!} It was such a shock. The weather has been so beautiful lately, and I've been attending class at different times of the day because of spring break, that there just haven't been that many people there.

When I walked in the second time, I saw Amy waving to me from the front row. There was a sliver of space next to her, so I put my mat next to hers. There were new students, other 60-day challengers, folks who do the advanced class, and even Sarah, who owns the studio.

There's just a different energy in the room when there are so many people. It's immediately so much more hot and humid with all those sweaty people breathing and also a bit of a party atmosphere. Lynne began class with her trademark "Look at yourself in the mirror and have a GREAT class!" And we were off.

During Half Moon I was leaning so far into Amy's space that Lynne yelled, "C'mon Heather! You're so close! Just reach a little more and touch her!" So I did, and we both laughed. And I did it again in the second set. After that, there wasn't as much opportunity for mirth. It was just so hot. But it was good to be back in the room after another night off {this time for a work dinner}. I felt so tight in places. It will be good to have a bunch of classes in a row this week!

Days 45, 46 & 47, Classes 39 & 40: Gratitude

It's been a busy couple of days, including two yoga classes, an overnight trip to DC with J.R., friends from out of town, a dedication ceremony with my circle, cleaning, cooking and trying to get ready to go back to work. I had a moment at 3:00 p.m. today when I thought maybe I should skip the 4:00 p.m. class and just try to get my life together. I was tired, surveying the wreckage of my house while the sun poured through open windows and remembering that I hadn't picked up a prescription.

But I went. The house would still be there when I returned home at 6:00 and I needed to go. I was starting to make a big deal out of wanting to hold on to the last few hours of my spring break and then I took a deep breath and realized that there was no need to get stirred up. I just switched gears and went to class full of gratitude.

I'm grateful for:

• all the caring, interesting, magical people in my life.
• my steady yoga practice.
• the return of green shoots in my garden.
• the 60-Day Bikram Challenge card Amy brought me back from Chicago!
• work that I love with people that I love. It will good to see them again tomorrow!
• the beautiful pink roses and gerber daisies that Dave and Justina brought and for the iris James added to them last night.
• fresh air pouring through the bedroom window.
• the funny class on Friday when I was able to use laughter to climb a little higher during full Locust.
• the two beautiful pink flowering heather plants I bought.
• Mirabilia & Eleuthia

I could go on and on, and I thought of all of these and more while I was laying in Savasana before class began. Today was #40 and although I have had/will have to skip some classes, I truly feel that it has begun to soak in; that I am finally at a place of steady practice and steady growth.

Blessed be!

Day 44, Class 38: Back to Basics

Today was 9:30 with Sarah and I felt a little nostalgic. When Sarah opened BYH 5 years ago, I was one of her first students. The basics of my yoga practice came from her and the two other teachers at the time, Jen and Monica. So it was fun to be in a class today that had few students {St. Patrick's Day hangovers?} and to hear Sarah say "Feet nicely together. Look down and make sure your toes are in a straight line. Sometimes one foot likes to sneak forward a bit." I looked down and one of my feet was slightly out of alignment. I corrected it and immediately felt more solid.

The rest of the class was like that. Lots of corrections and compliments, explanations of certain postures, and little Sarahisms that open a window into Bikram's dialogue, making it easier to understand. In Savasana after Camel she explained that while the deep compression in the spine is the same in Floor Bow and Camel, that in Floor Bow we work against gravity to make us stronger, but that in Camel we work with gravity to make us more flexible. As often as I've done these postures, I hadn't really thought of them in this way and I like seeing the connection.

I'm going to the 9:30 class tomorrow and then I won't be able to make it to class on Saturday as J.R. and I are going to DC overnight. There may not be a blog entry until after the 4:00 p.m. on Sunday. Just a heads-up!

Days 42 & 43, Classes 36 & 37: How are your expectations?

Sorry I have become a sporadic blogger. Life keeps intervening but I keep telling myself that the Challenge is the yoga {which I am doing} and the blogging the icing on the cake!

Monday night was class with energetic Lynne. After class, she sat down to talk with me for a while about the Challenge and certain postures, and how I felt, and then she asked, "And how are your expectations?" And I realized that they're mostly gone, which surprised me. I said, "I just show up for class and try to do what I'm told."

It's amazing how freeing this is! I've known for a long time that I am the cause of my own suffering. We all are. We dread things, we put them off because we dread them, or we fight with ourselves over them, we become exhausted and then, WE STILL HAVE TO FACE THEM ANYWAY! Why not just let go of this purposeless struggle and clean the house, do the taxes, tackle the work project, have the difficult talk, replace the kitty litter, and do the yoga? In addition, why don't we change our attitude while we're at it? I'm grateful I have a house to clean, a tax return to put in the bank, a job I find challenging, relationships I cherish, kitties I love, and yoga that fixes everything! Why not show up with no baggage, be in the moment, let it go afterward, and move on to the next moment with the same lightness of being?

A friend who had borrowed my copy of "Start Where You Are," by Pema Chodron, just returned it to me. Perfect timing!

Don't worry about achieving. Don't worry about perfection. Just be there each moment the best you can. ... Everything is changing all the time, and we keep wanting to pin it down, to fix it. So whenever you come up with a solid conclusion, let the rug be pulled out. You can pull out your own rug, and you can also let life pull it out for you.

Having the rug pulled out from under you is a big opportunity to change your fundamental pattern. It's like changing the DNA. One way to pull out your own rug is by just letting go, lightening up, being more gentle, and not making such a big deal.

I'm big on making a big deal out of everything; but life {and yoga} are better served by just showing up and meeting what happens as it happens. The labels can fall away and movement can occur. This is as much a practice for me as the postures and is even more beneficial.

Thank you Lynne and Kyle {see her comment on my last post} for being teachers that help me find the path through the postures AND the philosophy!

Days 40 & 41, Classes 34 & 35: Different Every Day

Sorry to have missed a few days away from the blog. My yoga experiences this weekend highlighted the concept that although every Bikram class is the same it is always different as well.

After a night off on Friday, I attended the 11 a.m. on Saturday morning. Jaime, who used to teach regularly at BYH but had moved south, was in town and guest teaching. I realized that I had become very used to the four teachers I'd had for the last month and a half. Jaime is more soft-spoken than my other teachers and has a way of pausing in between each phrase of the dialogue that makes her delivery seem very deliberate. I had arrived a bit later than usual and ended up in the front right hand of the corner of the studio which is darker due to a burnt-out light and seemed far away from the center of the room I usually inhabit. I felt much more isolated than I normally do. Right after class I had to hustle to get to my niece's lacrosse game at Hopkins and I was aware of the time boggle peripherally throughout my practice. Normally I just shower and go home to dinner and bed. It rained steadily all Saturday and we rained as well. It was a VERY wet class but I felt very strong. Each one of those things made Saturday's practice unique despite the fact that it was the same 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises it always is.

Today Daylight Savings Time began and although I managed to get a houseguest out the door for a late night bus to Pittsburgh, I completely forgot to set my clocks forward. You can imagine my chagrin when I woke up at 7:50 and then abruptly realized that it was now 8:50 and I was 10 minutes from missing Kyle's 9:00 a.m. class. J.R. looked at my face and said, "Grab your stuff. I'll drop you at class and then go pick up our CSA." So I threw on my yoga clothes, grabbed my towels and mat and got to class with 5 minutes to spare.

Normally for weekend morning classes, I set my alarm early so that I can eat some scrambled egg whites and a piece of fruit and drink some water a few hours beforehand. I also take a hot bath, stretch a bit, and then walk the two and half blocks to class. All of this warms me up in a way I didn't fully appreciate until I was in a painful Half Moon and then a Pada Hastasana in which I had a bit of trouble locking my knees! I NEVER have trouble in that posture! It was just as humid as the day before but also hotter as well. Kyle's jokes and stories helped when I felt that I had been hit by the "Yoga Golf Cart." Normally we refer to those days when we feel like limp noodles and have to sit out postures as being hit by the "Yoga Truck." This felt akin to that, but, other than sitting out one set of triangle, I was somehow able to keep going, thus "golf cart" instead of "truck."

The class made me appreciate one of the effects of the 60-Day Challenge, which is that the habit of practice has its own rewards. By practicing "all the time," our bodies are able to carry on even when circumstances are not optimal. Even when I don't feel strong in the indvidual postures or overall class, I feel strong that I went. That tight, humid class was my practice today.

This is Spring Break week for me and I don't have a lot of plans. I'm looking forward to a little downtime and to a varied yoga schedule. It will be fun to practice at different times of the day, with all five teachers.

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

Day 38, Class 33: Back in Black {& Purple}

It was good to be back!

It was great to be back in class under Abby's tutelage. She has a crisp delivery and a way of making you want to do your best. And my best tonight wasn't too bad. I had a great standing series. My back didn't give me a problem until Floor Bow and then I remembered that I'd kicked REALLY high into it on Tuesday. I started to kick into it tonight and and my back immediately sent out all kinds of frantic WARNING signals, so I lay down in Savasana immediately. Fixed Firm and Half Tortoise -- no problem, but then the same thing happened with Camel. I set it up and the second I leaned back, I received the same internal flashing red lights and siren. My body had a spontaneous memory of arching so high on Tuesday, that I'd almost seen my feet. When I lay back down in Savasana, I could swear I felt a knot on the lower left side of my back. But then I did two sets of Rabbit that sent a pleasing stretch throughout my back and finished the rest of class.

And thus is progress made. Not only a playing of the edge that leads into a deeper expression of the postures, but a rising above the fear of anticipated pain. I mentioned last night that I am weenie. I am not the type to view pain as a trophy of my athleticisim and I was surprised at how fine I felt for most of the class. How often do we procrastinate because we fear something THAT NEVER MATERIALIZES? One of my favorite sayings is "Don't borrow trouble. The rate of interest is too high." And it's so true! How much time and energy do we waste in the grip of what if? Tonight it felt good to show up, listen to my body, and realize that it would let me know if I was really in trouble.

It was also terrific to be able to stand next to my friend Amy. She has such a strong practice and a determination that I really admire. It's always a pleasure to share a mirror with her!

I won't be able to make class or post tomorrow, but I'm looking forward to a weekend of good yoga! It feels good to have a redesigned blog for the second half of the Challenge. Hope you find it easier to read! I've also included more entries in the Terrific Blogs list to the right. These yogis and yoginis inspire me every day, as I hope they do you!

Day 37: OUCH!

It is 6:45 p.m. Class starts in 15 minutes and I am not going. My back is KILLING me. It has all day. I'm thinking it was the really deep Camel from last night. I've taken a large amount of Advil and an epsom salt bath and it's no better. Not even a smidge.

Up until about 20 minutes ago, I thought I was still going. I'm in a Challenge for a reason after all. I know that people come to class not feeling all that great and that the purpose of the yoga is to FIX your body. I thought I would just tell Kyle that my back really hurts today and I would do the best I can.

And then I started reviewing the postures in my head. Half Moon? Ouch! Standing Head to Knee? Ouch! Triangle? Ouch. THE ENTIRE FLOOR SERIES? OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

I will admit to being a weenie. I just couldn't face it.

And now I have to face you and tell you I couldn't do it. It's amazing the sense of responsibility I feel towards an audience I cannot see and, in some cases, do not know.

And right when I was writing this, I heard that funny popping sound that means someone is messaging me on Facebook. It's Kyle, who has traded with Abby and wants to know if I'm going to class. I tell her the whole sorry story and she tells me I was right to take a night off, but to make sure I go back tomorrow and work it through, being careful of the back and forward bends.

I cannot tell you how much better this makes me feel. Even though for me, the object of the Challenge is to get to a place where a regular practice is a necessity in my life and not just an aspiration, I still feel like a truant when I miss a class.

And now I am going to take the rest of her advice and find my hot water bottle and rest!

See you tomorrow!

Day 36, Class 32: Peace Out

Today just felt good. Not too hot, not too cold. A little bit further down on Eagle, hands in prayer for part of standing separate head to knee, folded thumb knuckles to forehead during the stretching forward part of floor head to knee.

Sarah was back from Barcelona and taught class. I realized when I looked back over this blog that's it been two weeks to the day since the last time I had her as a teacher, and it feels like SO much has happened since then!

Shelley came in when I did {from the opposite door} and it seemed like a long time since I'd seen her as well. She asked how the Challenge was going for me and I said really well. She looked at me for a long moment and said, "You seem REALLY peaceful." And I said, "I am."

I do feel really peaceful. I know that there will be days in the future when the "yoga truck" will run me over again, but right now my practice just seems steady and sure, my breath seems calm and deep, my postures strong and evolving. It's easy to feel thankful to the universe when my head touches the mat right before practice. That's a gift, an easy moment of grace. I'll take it!

Day 35, Class 31: Inner Wisdom

I've noticed that I've stopped thinking "I don't want to go." I think my practice is finally just becoming something I do.

Tonight was 7 p.m. with Lynne. It was fun to be in class with her because I haven't had her as a teacher in a week and she's SO enthusiastic. Class felt good. My body is getting stronger and so is my focus. During the mid-class Savasana, Lynne reminded us that although some of us come to yoga seeking wisdom from our teachers, that the wisdom is really inside ourselves. When we are able to be still and quiet the monkey mind, we discover that we tap into the well of inner knowing, of intuition, that lies inside each one of us.

I do feel that the inner chatter is less, that I'm remembering to breathe more and give situations a little more space. The absence of constant struggle feels like a bit of wisdom. It's such a relief to feel like I'm making progress, even if it's just reaching a bit more, letting go of a morsel of fear, or slowing down enough just to be present.

The top part of the blackboard has changed. It now reads, "Wherever you are today is exactly where you need to be."

It's nice to know I'm in the right place!

Day 34, Class 30! Let The Sun Shine In

Wow! It is amazing to think that I used to laugh at Sarah when she would encourage me to do the 30-Day Challenge. "I would hate you, this yoga, and everyone in this studio, and I would never come back," I'd say and I believed it. And now 30 classes are over and the complete opposite is true. I love BYH and everyone there. {The photo above is the blackboard in the lobby. Sarah wrote that in the beginning of February when A.J. and I first started blogging. It's fun to see the blog address up there in brightly colored chalk.} I love the yoga even when it kicks my ass and I will be coming back for the next 30 days and beyond. Kyra wasn't there at the 9:00 a.m. {she teaches Sunday School}, but I found her star stickers and proudly placed one in today's square on the chart. I think I'll put a gold one up for my 60th class!

Kyle taught a fun class, as usual. She was full of jokes and corrections and praise and our large class responded to her direction. I finally managed to pull my hands away from the floor in toe stand {at least on one side} and felt like I achieved some nice height on my locusts and floor bows and remembered to breathe through my triangles. Kyle said she's going to bring in her camera and take some pictures of my postures for me to post here and that made me feel really good!

Day 31 here I come!

Day 33, Classes 28 & 29: Double Your Fun

SO happy!

The 9:00 a.m. class was awesome for so many reasons. Amy saved me a spot and it was such a pleasure to practice next to my friend and fellow blogger. I missed the yoga after two nights off and I felt SO STRONG! I did every set of every posture and even smiled through a bunch of them. Kyle was teaching both the 9 and the 11 and so when I emerged from the 9 and felt the best I have ever felt after a class, doing the 11 just felt inevitable and RIGHT!

So I did. And for about 10 horrible minutes, I thought I'd made a HUGE mistake. My arms hurt in Pranayama and my side hurt so badly in Half Moon, and the backs of my legs hurt so badly in Standing Head to Knee. But ... I rocked out Eagle and Balancing Stick and the floor series was fine. And then I walked out and Kyle put The Allman Brothers on the stereo and we jammed out a little and I felt like a rock star!

Tomorrow's 9:00 a.m. class will be number 30 for me and I'll be officially halfway through the challenge. My body is changing so much. I've lost about 7 pounds, I'm beginning to see my waist again and my butt is tighter. When I do Standing Head to Knee and pull my elbows down, I look like an athlete and I LOVE that!

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. It has fueled my practice in a way you cannot imagine! The sun is out and it's 50 degrees in B'more. Go and enjoy! I intend to!!

Days 31 & 32: Oh, The Places You'll Go!

I miss my practice. I knew I would miss Friday night because I would be in DC for work during the day, wasn't sure exactly when I'd return {because of traffic mostly}, and I was planning on having dinner with my best friend from high school. Well, Kimberly broke two of her toes earlier this week when a wine bottle fell from the top of her fridge onto her foot {I've heard of hurting from too much wine, but this is ridiculous!}, so then I planned to go to Friday at 6 after all. Then I came home on Thursday night and J.R. asked for my help with a Photoshop problem and I felt like I really hadn't seen him much lately, and he was going to be away for the weekend, so I said, "Why don't I just skip practice tonight and we'll have dinner and hang out and I can make it up tomorrow night?" I'd also been harboring thoughts of attempting my first double on Saturday morning, so it seemed like a good plan.

Thursday night was fun {although I looked at the clock every once in a while and thought, "They're just going into Awkward Pose now." etc.}. We ate too much sushi, played Life {which is a seriously messed-up game for anyone who hasn't played since they were a kid} and just enjoyed each other's company.

Today was unexpectedly tiring. We were stuck in traffic for two and a half hours coming home and I realized there was no way I could make it to class. My heart sank. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home, picked up the ingredients for dinner with friends tomorrow night and a package of fancy {not Mrs. T's} pierogies for dinner to soothe my soul.

Now it's 10:08 and I feel HEAVY from the pierogies {which were not very good} and thirsty and I MISS MY YOGA! I never thought that would happen -- about the pierogies or the missed classes. My body knows what it wants, and it does not want a giant plate of potatoes and cheese tucked inside pasta. It wants gallons of ice water, a hot humid room, and a teacher exhorting me to kick, kick, KICK!

And then, I opened the following e-mail from my mom:

I tried to reply to your blog but, inept as I am, I’m sure I didn’t complete the circuit! This is so difficult for you, and for many reasons that I may not understand (I’m sorry if I don’t, I know I should!) but remember the stool I made for you….that’s probably at a consignment store by now, but "Oh the places you can go!!!!!!" Maybe you never quite got that, maybe it’s my fault, but I still believe it!  It wasn’t just another needlepoint piece, it was and is something I truly believe! I could never put my body through the rigors that you’re going through (and my body is grateful) but I admire you and love you for the gallant effort! You’re so very special and if this insane, hot, sweaty, rigorous exercise gets you there, I’m happy for you! It’s so exciting to see you meet the challenge and stick with it. I’m not surprised -- you fought for the big hair, going to Scotland and being your own person, (some humor and A LOT of truth). Never forget the many people who love you and admire you, with or without the Bikram Yoga Challenge! 

Know that we support you because we love you, 
your sweet mother

I love my mom and I have never doubted her love or support for one second, but an e-mail like that does take your breath away! The stool she's referring to is a large, square footstool that she needlepointed {a LOT of white background} as my graduation gift from college. The artwork is the cover to the Dr. Seuss book "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" and features a character being carried away by balloon. Next time I am slogging away in the doldrums of class, I'll remember her words and that buoyant book cover.

Thanks mom! I love you too!

Day 30, Class 27: Whatever It Is

Tonight was better.

A part of me was a little nervous today, but I tried to put that aside. Every day is different, every class is different. I was tired all day, but maybe that just meant I would be energized by my practice tonight.

Kyle was definitely energized! She was teaching tonight and had the Beach Boys playing in the studio before class to pump herself up.

Some parts of my practice were strong, some sets I sat out. I tried to concentrate on slowing and deepening my breath throughout.

It was good.

The following song by Ben Lee came up on my playlist today, and it came to mind as I was walking home after class. I think it describes where I am in this yoga journey now.

Namaste.

Whatever It Is

Are you changing, are you changing, are you changing?
Do you know it, do you feel it, do you know it?
But you're waiting, why're you waiting, why're you waiting?
Just do it, whatever it is.
There are secrets, there are secrets, there are secrets.
There are places, there are places, you can go to.
They might tell you, yeah they'll tell you, that you shouldn't.

Just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Go do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Just do it, whatever it is.

And you're dancing, and you're looking kinda crazy.
And your arms, are making little circles.
There are reasons, there are reasons, you can find out.

So do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Go do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Whatever it is, whatever it is.

It's so quiet, it's so quiet, it's so quiet.
And you're dreaming, and you're dreaming,
And you're dreaming.
I turn to you and say 
Awake is the new sleep, awake is the new sleep
So wake up. And do it, whatever it is.
Just do it, whatever it is.
'Cause awake is the new sleep,
Awake is the new sleep
So wake up
Wake up.

And do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Go do it, whatever it is, whatever it is
Just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is.

PS: Thanks to everyone who left a comment last night {I responded at the end of that post but it occurred to me that people probably don't look at previous post once they've read and/or commented the first time.} Thanks to my friend Madelyn who sent me a wonderfully encouraging e-mail through FB today and thanks to Kyra who took good care of me after class last night and has promised to put a star on the chart when I hit 30 days!

Day 29: Accept Your Practice

I strode into the BYH studio tonight, an imaginary laurel perched jauntily on my head after yesterday's triumph. "Are you excited for tonight's class?" Lynne asked.  I said I was always excited to take one of her classes. I put my mat on the hot side again {although just to the left of center}, thanked the universe for bringing me here, and got ready to have a great class.

When will I learn to let go of expectations?

The whole standing series I felt {as Abby so aptly put it the other day} like I was breathing through pea soup. I managed to get through the spine strengthening series and then breathed through Fixed Firm {which I love}, struggled through the first set of Half Tortoise {which I also love} and then I was done. Kaput. Finished. Sat out the second set of Half Tortoise which I have never ever done. Sat out the first set of Camel so I could do the second set. Tried to set it up and just couldn't. I was like a giant wet noodle. No beloved Camel for me. And then the tears came. I stayed in Savasana and cried all the way through Rabbit, Head to Knee, and Spine Twist and then tried to rally for Kapalbhati Breathing. I sat in the position but couldn't really push the air our forcefully. At one point I remember thinking, "I'm not going to be able to walk out of here. I'm going to have to spend the night in the studio."

I did walk out and sat on the bench in the lobby bewildered trying to figure out what happened. I had been so pumped. I'd eaten really well and for once, felt properly hydrated. I had a good attitude going in. I even had a pretty good Standing Head to Knee. Lynne came out of the locker room. "I'm sorry," I said. "What for?" she replied. "I'm just bummed I couldn't do my practice." She said, "This was your yoga tonight. You have to accept your practice." I wondered aloud if it was because I'd pushed so hard the night before and my body was just worn out. She said, "You'll never figure it out. Sometimes it just happens this way. You're coming every night and you're going through immense mental, physical, and emotional change and sometimes there just isn't enough time to process it all. This is what it was tonight." Blessed Lynne!

I go to an Earth-honoring retreat every year in October. The two things they always say are: "Come with no expectations." and "There is nowhere else to go. There is nothing else to do." What happens there is meant to unfold through us as it happens, with no resistance from us. These are the same people who taught me, "You can be uncomfortable and still be okay." How I struggle with this {as you've read throughout this blog} in every part of my life. I am a bit of a control freak and this yoga is trying to work that out of me the way it's trying to get me to suck my stomach in and lock the damn knee. Stay tuned.

Day 28: Challenges within the Challenge

When I walked into the studio tonight both Kyle and Lynne greeted me enthusiastically from behind the desk and then Lynne said, "I think it's time for you to move to the hot side of the studio!" Kyle chimed in with, "Yeah, you should be right by the new side mirrors." Having said last night that I was going to try to be "more accepting of WHATEVER comes up in the yoga studio and in my life" this week, I said, "Okay. I'll give it a try."

I'm a weenie about the hot side of the room the way I've always been a weenie about doing a Bikram Yoga Challenge of any kind, taking the 6:15 a.m. class or doing a double. Well, I'm doing the 60-Day Challenge {and yes, it has crossed my mind that if I'd started with a 30-day one, I'd almost be done!}, I've taken one 6:15 a.m. class so far and I'm contemplating doing a double this Saturday morning. Doing the Challenge is about pushing myself out of my comfort zone and it looked like today was "hot side day."

Right before class began, Kyle suggested to us that if we started planning during one posture to sit the next one out, that we should plan to sit the one after it out and see if we could make it through, especially if there was one we had a habit of skipping. "The beauty of this series," she said, "is that it's designed to give you the break you need if you keep going in the postures."

So this was another challenge on top of the hot side of the room challenge, and you know what? I did it! I hung on during my Triangles and I really wanted to take a break during the spine strengthening series and I didn't. I caught up to myself during Fixed Firm {even though we all sang "Happy Birthday" to Nikki while we were in it--very fun!} and Half Tortoise, and then felt really nauseous after the first set of Camel. After the savasana, I still felt a little nauseous but I thought, do the sit up and then do the setup. I did and when I got into the setup I felt ten times worse, so back I went into savasana and thought, "That's okay. Just let it all go and REALLY relax. You followed Kyle's instructions, now just breathe in and out, in and out.... Now sit up and do Rabbit!" And I did!

At times it really felt like someone had opened an oven door right in front of me, {Kyle said afterwards that I was in one of the hottest spots in the room} but I did it. It's good to have teachers gently, but firmly, give you the opportunity to discover what you can really do. So now I know that I can practice on the hot side and I can push myself a little farther than I thought. Thanks Lynne and Kyle!

Days 25, 26, & 27: Euphoria!

Sorry for the blogging hiatus. I've been trying to find a balance these last few days. Thursday was so emotional. Friday (Day 25) I didn't make it to class. We had a huge event going on at our school and I spent the day on my feet photographing it. Technically, I got home with just enough time to get to class, but just didn't have the heart or energy for it. Saturday morning (Day 26) I was determined to get to the 9:30 class but forgot that on the weekends it's a 9 a.m. class and missed it. Luckily, I only live a couple of blocks away from the studio so I came home, left my bag by the door and my yoga clothes on, and cleaned house for an hour before going back for the 11 a.m. class. When I arrived, I saw Kyle, who had just finished teaching the 9 a.m. class, and told her that I was feeling, well, "challenged" by the Challenge. And she said, "It's storytime! Come over here and I'll tell you my story."

And she did. It's a long story, and not mine to tell, but it's all about how this yoga is a cleansing and restorative practice in ALL ways. There's the physical benefits -- working all the systems, muscles, organs, tissues in the body, healing old injuries, and creating strength and flexibility; but there's also the emotional and mental benefits. We hold so much in our bodies and this practice brings old issues, heartbreaks, and disappointments to the surface and offers us release. The crying, frustration, anger, shame, you name it, that wash over me in class are outlets for crap I've been carrying around for who knows how long. It's a gift to be able to let it go.

It helps so much to know we are not alone. Listening to Kyle, I felt a shift occur. I can do this. And on the days when it hurts the most in any way; those are the days I'm receiving the most benefit.

I had a solid class with Abby and then went home to find that J.R had finished up the house cleaning and started the laundry. I went to the grocery store, had my hair cut and colored, and then cooked a meal for dear friends I hadn't seen in a while. After dinner, J.R. left for a concert (he owns a record label) and I puttered in the kitchen cleaning up and enjoying quiet time with the cats, feeling much more grounded.

This morning (Day 27) I woke up early enough to have a hard boiled egg, a kiwi, and a cup of tea and to read of bit of the NY Times before heading off to Kyle's 9 a.m. class. It was a great one! Kyle decided today that we needed to smile because "Smiling is how we tell ourselves we're having a good time." So we practiced with smiles on our faces and I worked hard, trying to make the corrections she gave and enjoying the praise for my Locust. And then it happened. I came out of my first set of Camel, lay down in Savasana and a wave of euphoria swept over me. Blessed be!

The rest of the day was just a quiet day at home with J.R. and the kitties. It was such a relief to be home in a clean house with no chores to do or places to be. I took a delicious nap and was aware that I was happy.

This week has been such a roller coaster. I'm hoping that in the week to come I'll be able to more accepting of WHATEVER comes up in the yoga studio and in my life.

Day 24: Emotional Rescue?

This is going to be a short post. I took the 5 p.m. today because I was going out to dinner tonight. Abby taught a good class, the room was fine, I wasn't nauseous or headachey but I fought tears almost the entire practice. Some of the bloggers in the 101-Day Challenge report that the first 30 days are physical and the second 30 are emotional. I certainly had an emotional class tonight and I'm not even at 30 days!

The list of variables is long. My body is tired and hurts in a number of places, the voice of the ego was loud and ugly tonight, I don't think I'm getting enough sleep, I may be going through perimenopause {I keep getting what I think are hot flashes and my mom started hers when she was 40}. Or maybe it was just the yoga opening up a big old internal can of worms. I don't know. I got out, came home and sobbed in the shower, talked it over with J.R., put makeup and clothes on and went to dinner. Now I seem to be fine.

Every day is different. We bring who we are that day to the mat and it all comes out through the yoga. Perhaps the practice is our emotional rescue, bringing all of it up to the surface so we can let it go.

I'm going to let the sound of the gale-force winds lull me to sleep. G'night.

Day 23: *phew*

I had a good class! I got in there, put my forehead to the mat, thanked the universe for bringing me here and then asked if I could just have no nausea or headache and I didn't. It was one of those classes that had little grace notes scattered throughout.

There are new mirrors on the left wall which opens up the room tremendously, Kyle was teaching and she informed us that we were going to take time to be still in each posture. It's amazing how that both deepens the pose and calms me down. Kyle's mom was in from out of town and was practicing behind me and it was funny and wonderful to hear Kyle call out, "That looks great Mom!" {On a side note to my mom: Mom, it would be terrific to have you in class one day! Consider yourself invited at my expense!} My new friend Amy (and wonderful fellow blogger) practiced right next to me and that energy helped lift me up. I made sure to eat plenty of lean protein today and I think that made a difference as well.

It was just a good solid class all the way around. Hooray!

Day 22: Three Good Things

1. I got to meet Amy, a fellow blogger and yogini. She had just finished the 5:00 p.m. class. See her blog from the links on the right.
2. I managed to keep my hands in prayer position during Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee. Thank you Sarah for making me give it a go!
3. I stayed in the room.

I am determined that this will be a positive blog entry. The truth is that I was fired up for yoga today, especially since I missed last night. I thought because I wanted to practice that it would feel great and it just didn't. I felt nauseous almost from the get go (I'd chugged a short glass of Emergen-C a half-hour before class hoping that would give me a boost of energy, but I think the carbonation did a number on my stomach) and I had a headache for most of class. I only sat out a couple sets but one of them was my precious Camel and that bummed me out. My back muscles and left shoulder hurt, but I'm getting used to ignoring that.

So, acknowledging that every class is different and I don't know what it's going to be like until I'm in it, what can I do? It occurred to me while I was laying down during the second set of Camel that I didn't eat any protein today. I'm usually very mindful of what and when I eat. Today I ate well -- whole grains, veggies, fruit, lots of water, green tea but no protein. I'm definitely putting the kibosh on chugging Emergen-C before class. I slept well so I don't think it's that. Any other ideas? All advice is welcome!

Day 21: The Best Laid Plans

Today I was feeling very positive about going to class. I had a good night's sleep, was productive at work, ate nutritiously, drank the water, and was fired up to go to class and just be really focused and strong.

And then I got home to find our kitten racing around, wrestling with our older cat, and desperately trying to detach the cardboard cone that J.R. had constructed to keep him from licking his new incision. The instructions from the vet say that he should not be active or interact with other cats. So much for that! J.R. {whose baby this is} was looking alarmed and also felt vaguely sick. He had an acupuncture appointment at 6 that he was willing to cancel for my yoga class {since we could not leave our newly neutered and spastic kitten in such a state} and that's where I drew the line.

"You feel sick and weird and you're worried about Cooper. Go to acupuncture. It's no big deal. I can do a double this weekend." So off he went in the rain while I tried to coax the kitten to lay down and play quietly with a catnip mouse.

And the kitten lay down with the fuzzy mouse, and the cat and I watched him and were still. J.R. returned feeling 150% better, and we've had dinner, and folded laundry, and taken out the trash, and talked about our days, and felt some more of that same calm.

And tomorrow I will return to my place on the mat stronger and hopefully carrying some of that stillness.

Days 19 & 20: Balance

Just as I find the balancing series of postures to be especially difficult, I am also finding it difficult to maintain some kind of balance in my life as the challenge progresses. One of the reasons I avoided attempting a challenge in the past was that I didn't want my whole life to revolve around my yoga. The class is only 90 minutes but I like to walk up to the studio about a half-hour before to sign in, set up my mat, go to the bathroom and then stretch and lay in savasana for a 10 minutes before class begins. I also like to cool down and take a shower before walking back home so it becomes 2 1/2 hours out of my day. Then I need to make sure that I've eaten something that will fuel my practice, but leave a 3-hour window before class so I'm not nauseous and I need to remember to drink water consistently throughout the day.

So basically, I'm thinking about the yoga all day. During the week, I work full time so I come home from work, go to yoga, eat dinner, blog and go to sleep.

This weekend I also had a coven meeting to prepare for and attend (I'm Wiccan), friends staying overnight from out of town that I wanted to enjoy Sunday morning breakfast with, grocery shopping to do, vegetarian chili and roasted vegetables to make for lunches and dinner this week, laundry (although J.R offered to do it this week along with picking up our CSA share. Thank you J.R.!), a house to clean, and a birthday dinner to attend. I did it all (including 11:00 a.m. class on Saturday with Sarah and the 4:00 p.m. with Lynne today) but I'm exhausted and it's Sunday night at 10:57 p.m. and the reason the weekend exists (to get some downtime before the work week begins anew) seems not to apply. And I don't even have children! (I honestly don't know how all of you with children manage your lives. I seem to need a lot of downtime that you never receive!)

Anyway, I didn't mean this to be a big complaint blog. I'm grateful BYH offers as many classes as it does so I can manage it and even more grateful that J.R. is so understanding and is picking up a lot of my slack around the house while this challenge is on. Lynne asked me if I'd had a bad class because I had to sit a few sets out due to dizziness and nausea. I was actually thinking I was doing pretty well, all things considering, and I finally managed to stick both sets of Garurasana. Now, if I can just find that stillness we're always seeking in class during the rest of the day, I'll be in good shape. I need to discover the outside-life equivalent of savasana to reset my equilibrium as time for relxation will be next to nil for the next 40 days. On second thought, I just have to make it to spring break on March 15!

Not so bad after all!

Day 18: Don't Fight It

I'd been planning to go to the 6:00 p.m. class all day. I had my last snack right before 3:00, I drank the water, and I hadn't been to class since 6:15 a.m. the previous morning. And then ...

"I'm not going to yoga," I said defiantly to J.R. as we carpooled home. "It's Friday night. I want to be like NORMAL people. I want to out to dinner or to the grocery store. I have that report to write. That's it. I'm not going."

I was home for exactly four minutes before I said sullenly, "Never mind. I'm going."

Why am I still fighting this? I had a great class. I didn't need to sit down once, I didn't feel nauseous and I stayed in the room even though I had to pee after the second set of pranayama. I'm full of energy. I saw lots of lovely yogi friends and even met the divine John who works the front counter!

Somewhere {it may even have been a comment on this blog} I read that the purpose of the series is to struggle, not suffer. This is true in life as well. Why do we make things so hard on ourselves? Why can't we relax into our lives? We know what to do, why do we fight that internal wisdom? Fear is where suffering is born; what are we so afraid of?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." --Marianne Williamson

"Where there is fear, there is power." --Starhawk

Am I becoming powerful? Is this yoga transforming more than my body? Am I beginning to escape the clutches of the ego in some small way and the ego is retaliating by sending up smoke screens? Or am I just lazy and wanted a night off? I don't know but I'm looking forward to finding out.

Stay tuned.

Day 17: Not a Morning Person

I am not a morning person. I have to be at work at 8:30 a.m. and it takes me 20-25 minutes to get there. I wake up at 7:35, take a shower, get dressed, pack my lunch, and am out the door by 8:05. I don't even have coffee until I get to the office or breakfast until 10:00 a.m.

But I was at the 6:15 a.m. yoga class at BYH this morning. That's what a challenge does. Whether or not to go is not really the question anymore, just what time.

Tonight was a faculty/staff meeting followed by a dinner at the school where I work, so today the time was 6:15 a.m.

I was grateful there was a class I could attend, grateful for Lynne's caffeine-driven energy but oh! I was tight! I couldn't even bend my neck back in pranayama. I felt off because I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink and I was nauseous from camel to the end of class. My body wants the stretch and the work after it has been sedentary all day. All those spine bends feel like nirvana after being in a cute but decidedly unergonomic 50s retro chair. The whole day is a warmup in a sense. For me, first thing in the morning just felt too jarring.

It was fun, though, to be at dinner tonight and know that I had already met today's challenge!

Day 16: Top Ten Reasons

I enjoyed tonight's class, taught by Kyle, for lots of reasons.

1. I was cranky when I walked into the studio and elated when I walked out.
2. Kyle really emphasized being still both in and between the postures.
3. It was fun being in the front row near A.J. & Kyra, two young, pretzely people who go into advanced postures.
4. My back hurts but it's the good hurt that comes from working all those different muscles.
5. I got some height in full locust.
6. I asked a question about having straight wrists in floor bow and Kyle demonstrated how to do each part of the posture step by step. What a difference!
7. In rabbit I thought one of my middle vertebra was going to come right through my skin. The stretch felt so good after camel.
8. After I touched my forehead to my thumbs, Kyle told me to put my forehead on my shins and pull even more! 
9. I made a new friend.
10. I didn't feel nauseous at any point in the practice.
    

Overall, there was just a buoyancy to the entire class. Everyone was working hard, but there were jokes made and questions asked and even some laughter. All good!

Now if I can just get myself to that 6:15 a.m. class tomorrow!

Day 15: The How and Why

Today was a better day! The wheel goes up and it goes down and then it goes up again. Sarah was teaching and one of the things I enjoy most about her classes is that she takes the time to explain the how and the why of postures. For the how she will stop after a first set and either explain the posture more thoroughly or actually demonstrate the way the hip comes further down or how to set up for triangle. Even after a long time of practicing this yoga, I still find that seeing a posture done correctly helps me to make a jump in my understanding. I really don't look at anybody besides myself during class, so taking time out to watch a posture is a terrific gift.

The other thing that Sarah always explains is the why. Why it's important to keep the throat choked in a particular position. What medical benefits come from practicing each posture. Why the series is in the order that it is. I love understanding the intricacy of it all. And I especially appreciate that while I am desperately struggling to breathe normally in standing separate leg head-to-knee pose, while keeping my forehead high on the knee and locking my legs, that I am stimulating the thyroid gland, boosting my metabolism and immune systems, and toning my entire middle body! Hooray!

Even though I felt nauseous after my almost flying-toward-the-mirror camel until the end of the class, I also felt good. It was a relief to know that although I'd been feeling apprehensive about tonight's practice, I'd been able to let it go and take the class as it was given. My camel tonight was even deeper than the one last night. My shoulders are starting to let go in certain postures and are taking my body in new directions. My standing bows are curvier and my damn hips are finally beginning to open! A little nausea is a small price to pay for all of that.

Day 14: Meeting What Comes Up

I had such a hard time today in class. Lynne was being her ebullient self. She yelled at me to suck in my stomach at one point early on saying, "I read your blog Heather; I know how you cheat!" I laughed along with everyone else and then very soon after that everything deteriorated.

I had to sit on my mat during the balancing series because I became so dizzy I saw nothing but flickering static. I couldn't seem to catch my breath or slow down my heart during the floor series. And then after touching my fingertips to my forehead in the second to last posture, I started crying in savasana.

While we rested during the savasana that follows the final set of camel, Lynne gently reassured everyone that it was okay to feel dizzy or strange after such a deep backbend. Camel stirs up physical uneasiness, emotional disturbances and other distressing conditions. The important thing she said, "was to meet whatever comes up squarely and then be still with it." I laid through the entire second set wondering what this was that was coming up?

I came up with a long and messy list of reasons and I looked at it squarely, but although I kept my body still, I could not be still with that list. I just felt overwhelmed and I remembered wise words from a leader at a retreat I attended a year ago: "You can be uncomfortable and still be okay."

I felt undone and when I left the hot room, I curled into fetus position on top of my sopping towel and waited until I felt less wobbly before taking a shower. Everyone in the locker room was lovely and supportive. Shelley reminded me that there is no safer place to cry and that it's a gift of release that we are occasionally lucky enough to receive in this yoga.

How wise and loving people can be! I'm so fortunate that I have all of you and this yoga to make me both uncomfortable and okay; both safe and on the edge of distress; both aware and at peace.

Day 13: No Big Deal

I believe I mentioned in my first post that I have a longstanding relationship with the "All or Nothing Lizard." Yesterday, for various reasons, I decided to skip a day of class and then spent a lot of time being disappointed with myself. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and could not get back to sleep and it was one of the things that was keeping me up. I have learned not to fight sleeplessness. I get up, go to the bathroon, drink something and go back to bed. If I'm still awake 20 minutes later, then I get up and clean the kitchen, sort through my e-mail, or take a bath and read a book. After about an hour or two, I go back to bed and usually back to sleep.

This morning I took care of some work projects and then took a bath. The cats came in to see what was going on {they love it when I'm up in the night!} and as I sat in the tub I looked the skipped class squarely in the eye. What was really the issue? I decided I was afraid I was in the grip of the "All or Nothing Lizard." I didn't want to report to you that I had "failed." What a terrible master fear is! Back to what Pema Chodron and J.R. {my eminently practical and loving boyfriend} say: "No Big Deal."

"No Big Deal" is a very new thing for me. I make everything into a big deal all the time, but I am slowly {very slowly} learning to let things go. It was really no big deal that I had skipped a day. I'll make it up or I won't, but I'll still continue the challenge. I'll still continue to give it as much as I can. I'll still continue to have a regular practice when the challenge is through.

Today's class was very hot, very wet, and terrific! Lynne noticed that I was now able to touch my thumbs to my forehead in paschimotthanasana and I noticed that both my cobra and locust {!} were much stronger. I could lift myself much higher and my back was really starting to feel stronger. Take that Mr. Lizard! I am not going to quit!

I dedicate this post to J.R. because today is Valentine's Day, tomorrow is J.R.'s birthday, and every day he is loving, supportive, and teaching me that a lot of stuff in my life is really no big deal. He, on the other hand, means a GREAT BIG DEAL!

Day 11: Push

Today was a great class because I was pushed. I arrived at the studio a little later than I have been and when I walked in to lay down my mat, there was no room in the first row. I set my mat down in the second row where I can still see myself but I can't really look into my own eyes. This always makes the class different for me. I tend to see my whole body better, but for poses where I count on the intensity of my gaze to hold me in the posture, I have to rely on something else. Today the something else was Abby.

Abby is a great teacher. She always sounds excited to be sharing the dialogue with the class, {I can't imagine her ever "phoning it in."} and she was watching us like a hawk. She corrected me in Awkward and in Pada Hastasana all of a sudden she zeroed in on me and said, "Heather! Pull harder! Bring your body even further down." Now, almost no one ever corrects me on that pose. It's one that I can pull my body into pretty easily after a few classes and my forehead is usually pretty far down onto my shins. But from halfway across the room, she could tell that there was more in me than I was giving and she asked me for it.

I managed to hang onto both sets of triangle even though my hips were getting wobbly and I practically fell out at the end. I wasn't sure I could stand and so I sat down for the first set of Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee. That lasted all of about 5 seconds. "Come on Heather. You're doing this posture." And you know what? I did. Both sets.

After that, I just gave it everything I had. Who am I to set limits on myself if Abby believes in me? If she is going to push me to do better {and she's watching a lot of people in that class}, how can I not push myself?

So often, just showing up for class is half the battle. What then, is the other half? It is one thing to "get through" a class and something entirely different to "practice" yoga. It is not required of me that I do the postures perfectly. It is required of me that I try my hardest and not just in the positions that I struggle in, but also in the ones that I think are simple, or the ones that follow the hard ones. In short, I should give it my all through the entire class. You get what you give and I received so much today.

Thank you Abby!

Day 10: Snap Crackle Pop

"Snap, Crackle, Pop," Sarah says as we go down into Awkward. She can hear everyone's knees cracking. This is how I feel for the entire class. I'm glad to be back in the studio. The sun is shining, the snow has finally stopped {for now}, but my body is just tired and hurting. Everything feels tight and muscles I didn't even know I had are in pain. I finally manage to stick both sets of triangle, determined to hang on, and then fall on my butt on the way out. I slog through the entire class, am grateful to make it to the end and then for the rest of the day anytime I shrug, I hear snap, crackle, pop in my shoulders. Things are definitely shifting and moving.

I'm beginning to think I'll be better off when I return to work and a regular schedule. I don't think I'm drinking enough water and I'm usually a night class person. By 7:00 p.m. every night, I've been at work either hunched over my desk or running up and down 3 sets of stairs all day and my body wants to stretch and reach and pull. For the last week, I've been going to yoga in the morning or at noon and then crawling back to bed to read, do some work or play Scrabble with J.R. and that's it! My poor body is doing all this hard work in class and then nothing at all for the rest of the day. No wonder I'm tight!

I think I'm going to prescribe shoveling out the back walk and going to the 4:00 p.m. class for today {I didn't post last night. Too tired!} And I'm going to drink copious amounts of water starting right now. See you later!

Day 9: Sweetheart!

Alas! We are snowed out again at BYH. Happily, a very smart yogini who is friends with the studio on Facebook, posted that Bikram's recording of a class is available from iTunes. I downloaded it, heated the office {the room shown in a few posts below}, spread out my mat, and let Bikram himself teach my class of one.

It was surprising. I loved that he kept calling his students {and me} sweetheart throughout the whole dialogue:

"Elbow locked, sweetheart! Come on the toes, sweetheart, on the toes! Sweetheart, your upper body back more!" 

I loved how he sprinkled in his philosophy:

"One of these days you will understand what is this yoga all about; what yoga can do for you. Yoga makes you, you. Nobody in this world knows why you came to this earth. What is the purpose of your birth?"

How he sang after Head to Knee pose.

I laughed several times at his outrageousness and grinned several times more, and was so grateful that I could keep my daily practice intact.

But it did seem long. I missed the energy of our class. I missed the way a whole group of people trying so intently and trying to let go equally as intently makes us strong as a whole. We don't talk in class and we really don't look at each other as we watch ourselves in the mirror, but we are still aware of each other and still respect the effort that is going on in the room. We feel the connectivity between ourselves and from there it becomes easier to feel how EVERYTHING is connected.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can meet at the studio again tomorrow!

Day 8: Laugh a Little

Today, I did not want to go to yoga. Now mind you, at this point there is almost nothing for me to do BUT go to yoga. The school where I work is still closed due to the snow and we are receiving more snow even now. Other than laundry, I have nothing else I have to do. And still I did not want to go. My body is starting to hurt everywhere and after a nap yesterday and a really good night's sleep last night, I still woke up exhausted. Happily, the decision not to go wasn't really one I had to make. I'm in a 60-Day-Challenge, therefore, if the studio is open, I go.

I went. And was rewarded with a good and fun class taught by a good and funny teacher. I find that the Universe is like this most of the time. If I make the effort, it almost always meets me more than halfway.

Kyle told jokes and funny little stories and even sang a little. She also worked us hard and gave praise and corrections in equal measure. She was with us. Because of this, I was able to notice that my face was all scrunched up during a particularly difficult posture and I thought, "You're lucky to be here. You're lucky your body can do this practice and you're lucky you can walk here. Smile and let it go." And I smiled and completed the posture with something resembling grace, and left the studio with more energy than when I had entered it.

The practice is very difficult, but it's also a celebration. We need to work hard, but we don't need to take ourselves so seriously. We can concentrate, meditate, but smile at ourselves in the mirror as we do so. Yoga is not postures performed perfectly. Yoga is a way to be present, on our mats and in our lives, with hearts that are joyfully open.

Thank you Kyle and everyone else at BYH!

Day 7: I Learn By Going Where I Have To Go

This time last week I was just entertaining the idea of going back to yoga after almost a year's hiatus. I had no idea a 60-Day Challenge was beginning, and no notion that I would sign up. I did know that I needed to surprise my life in some way. Do something different enough and large enough that I would force myself to grow.

I have a terrific book I bought when I first began yoga five years ago. It's called "Meditations from the Mat" by Rolf Gates and Katrina Kenison. The structure of the book is daily reflections and there is a quote that precedes each one. They are essays on the yoga sutras peppered with Gates' own stories about his and his students' practices. And the following excerpt seemed a good way to sum up the week.

"I learn by going where I have to go." --Theodore Roethke

.... The truth is, we are all so very, very vulnerable. Life is as it is. .... The only thing we can control is our attitude. We have the choice of life or death, love or fear, in each moment. And we bear the responsibility for that choice in each moment. Nowhere is this more apparent that when we embark on a regular yoga practice. We set out to better ourselves, only to find legions of reasons to break our commitment to health. We say it is too difficult to make the hard choice today. And yet the obstacles in our path are the path. Each time we stretch beyond our resistance and our fear, we make a choice for life. And every time we choose life, we find that fear loses its grip on us. We all know more than we think we do, and we are stronger than we believe ourselves to be. We come to our mats, and to our lives, to learn by going where we have to go."

So after a week where is my practice? Today my left hip seems tighter now than it did a week ago, the outer part of my thighs are killing me, and my left knee hurt while going into fixed firm pose {a surprise since fixed firm is usually a lovely vacation for me}. I also went deep into both sets of camel {which felt glorious} and touched my thumbs to my forehead in paschimotthanasa. Happily my friend Shelley came home with me after class and we had lunch and caught up, but when she left I passed out for two hours, exhausted. And I am running yet another load of laundry. Again.

Every day is different. Every practice is different. I learn by going where I have to go.

Day 6: Suck Your Stomach In!

Today BYH opened it's doors for a 2:00 class for foot traffic only. B'more is still buried under its 2+ feet of snow and now there is more forecast for Tuesday. I'm lucky that I only live a few blocks from my studio. After a day on my own it was such a gift to be able to return to the hot room and a good teacher. Thank you Abby!

Before class I asked Abby if she could think of any reason the lower left side of my back/top of my butt hurt so badly. She thought about it a bit and then said it could be that I was collapsing on that side in half moon instead of sucking in my stomach and lifting up and over.

Inwardly I groaned. Somehow I knew sucking in my stomach was going to be the problem. One of the things you hear all the time in Bikram Yoga is that if you're naturally flexible, you use your flexibility to make you strong. If you're strong, you use your strength to make you flexible. I'm naturally flexible and have a core like mush. In addition, I've gained about 20 pounds since I last had a consistent practice and some of that weight is a flabby, multiple-rolls belly.

*sigh*

In the final spine twist I can't reach all the way over to grip my thigh because that stomach is in the way. I've always had a tough time breathing while sucking in my stomach and, because it's tough to tell in my slightly loose yoga top, I cheat. As long as I continue to do this, I will only be able to make so much progress in my postures and so I am cheating myself.

So, joyful to be back in the hot studio, I resolved to hold that stomach in for every posture I was told to. You may or may not know, but in Bikram's 26 posture series there are only three times we are not asked to suck in our stomachs {I know. I checked with Abby after class.}: the back bend that is part of Half Moon, Camel, and Savasana. That's a lot of gut-sucking. By the time we got to Eagle I was exhausted and that's only the fourth posture! I fell out on the same side during both sets and just laughed. There is always so much to learn and fix and struggle through, just like the rest of life.

I will be holding that belly in until maybe I finally develop that core strength I always hear so much about but never experience. And maybe, just maybe, if I can do that, I'll find the strength to do a lot of other things that currently feel impossible!

Day 5: Bikram Yoga 34th Street

Question: What do you do when the universe graces your town with two and a half feet of snow (and this is Baltimore folks!), you're participating in a Bikram Yoga 60-Day Challenge, and your studio closes?

Answer: Pull out the space heaters, unscrew your mirror from the back of the door, roll out your mat, and practice at home!

I guess the other answer would be to double up on another day, but Sarah, who owns Bikram Yoga Hampden, sent out an e-mail and suggested we try to do the yoga ourselves and reminded us that:

The only thing you need to practice yoga is your own body and that is with you at all times. This is a good opportunity to remember that and experience a new connection.

I decided that although I would try to do the whole series, that I would only do one set of each pose. So I set up two space heaters, J.R. {my lovely and wonderful boyfriend} took the mirror down for me and set it up in the office, and I took a hot bath while the space warmed up.

It was an interesting experience.

The quiet immediately reminded me of a time when I'd taken a silent class at BYH about five years ago. Sarah stood with us and we moved when she did and the room was so peaceful. As I progressed through the series {silently counting up to a minute in the poses that we normally hold for that time} I started to hear the dialogue in my head spoken by all the different teachers I've had over the years and it was like a reunion. I am grateful for every teacher I have ever had. Considering how tight the dialogue is, it's amazing how much of themselves they give with it. I learn something new from each one of them.

The voice of the busybody ego popped up at one point: "You know this doesn't really count. You're not sweating very much and only one set isn't REALLY doing the whole series."


"Shhhhhhh," I said and it was silent. I smiled as I looked at the ceiling in savasana.

It did feel very different. Less heat and one set made me feel incredibly strong if not as flexible. I found that I could hold the standing head to knee and the standing bow much easier. In the standing bow I heard the line of dialogue about how with the right balance of stretching and kicking I should be able to hold the pose forever and so I held it for two minutes before slowly reversing out of it. And that felt glorious!

The snow has finally stopped and as much as I enjoyed today's practice, I'm looking forward to returning to Bikram's torture chamber with all the yogis and yoginis.

{hint, hint, nudge, nudge Sarah!}

Day 4: The Energy Field

What a difference a decent night's sleep makes! Baltimore is anticipating a snowstorm of mythological proportions and the school where I work declared today a snow day last night. I was excited to attend the usually not-an-option 9:30 class.  Lots of room, seeing an old book club friend, and the determination to dismiss the blabbermouth ego with "just thinking," all led to a much more joyful practice for me.

Lynne was our teacher this morning. She read a passage during Savasana from another BYH student's blog, who is at the championship in Los Angeles, and it was beautiful and inspiring. The other really terrific thing that happened was that during the locust series savasanas she reminded us to keep our gaze and, and thus our energy, close to us. I had this immediate image in my head of wild yogic energy bouncing around the room like a group of unruly toddlers, bumping into the mirrors, and swirling dizzyingly all around us. Right after that was an image of each of us with a tight energy field emanating from our bodies, touching where they met the people next to us, and then humming upward to create one glorious glow.

Nothing like grace in a 109-degree room!

Day 3: I Have Met the Enemy

Day 3 and every muscle is screaming in my body. Stairs have become instruments of torture but I'm fired up to go to yoga. I walk into the room, lay on the mat, put my forehead to the floor and ask the universe to help me truly do the best I can, not the best I can fake. Class begins. I hurt but not as badly as I'd thought by how I felt during the day. The poses come and go and although I have to sit out the second set of triangle and I fall out of Balancing Stick, I can already see progress from two nights ago. To all outward appearances I'm having a pretty decent, focused class.

But inside, there is a war raging. I am distracted by everything and everyone around me and the judgmental voice of my ego is at a fever pitch.

I have met the enemy and she is me.

Did I post last night that the hardest part of yoga was just getting myself to class?

Ha!

I pride myself on my focus in class. I hold my gaze and remain still. One of my earliest teachers was very strict and I learned, as Bikram says in his book, "The only right way is the hard way." And learning to focus in that way has helped my yoga and I hope it will help my life. But tonight I lost my focus to the voice of the ego and had a bad class.

The hardest part tonight was trying to silence that nitpicking, nonstop, rotten, judgmental voice.

I was desperate. I would plead with myself while in the poses. "It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. That's their practice and you don't know anything about them or what they're dealing with today. Your job is just to look at yourself in the mirror and practice your yoga. Just listen to Sarah and do what Sarah says." In Savasana the mantra was "Breathe in. Breathe out."  I was trying to drown the voice with another voice, with the sane, wise voice, but that one is just a trick of the ego as well. "Oh, see, you're wise," that voice whispers, trying to inflate itself at the expense of everyone else in the room. And then I would be disgusted with myself all over again. Exhausting!

It wasn't until I was out of class, sitting with my head resting on my knees trying to get it together that I was calm enough to think "No big deal. You didn't sleep well last night and you lost your cool. It happens. You're just a flawed human being and that's okay. Go take a shower, go home and eat some sushi, get some sleep, come back in here tomorrow at 9:30 and just see how it goes. If it happens again, what do you do? You label it 'thinking' and let it go. Just the way you let your body go in Savasana. And it will take as much practice as the poses do because it's a much a part of the yoga as the poses are."

"No big deal." and "You label it 'thinking' and let it go." is from Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron and so it is both wise and true.

See you in the morning.

Day 2: Open Like a Flower Petal Blooming

The 60-Day Challenge began on Monday. I took class last night for the first time in a year. Tonight I signed up for the Challenge. So after I finished class tonight I wrote my name on the chart, put an X through Monday, put a check for Tuesday, and a big fat check for today. Here I am.

"Here I am" was also the first thing I mouthed to the universe as I stretched out my hips and put my forehead to the mat in the dark before class began. I could feel the intense heat whispering across my back, could hear the door open and close as others came in to spread out their mats, could smell the humidity from the last class. "Here I am. Please help me get through this class with some semblance of grace and I will try to let go and allow that grace room to happen."

I'm 41 and I'm beginning to see and feel the effects of it. I've been lazy and in love and as happy as I've ever been, but I haven't been treating my body with any respect and it shows. No waist, blemished skin, interrupted sleep, hips that hurt after a half-hour walk, migraines, and a recent bout with a cold that turned into a nasty sinus infection. I NEVER get sick. And the body is the temple of the spirit. It was time to go back to Bikram.

Bikram Yoga fixes everything in my life. It takes care of what I eat and how much, it forces me to drink the water I'm supposed to be providing my body and more, it tones everything, makes me strong, and gives me self-confidence like it's going out of style. Because I've had some AMAZING teachers, it requires me to be focused, calm, and correct. Happily, those benefits tend to spill over into the rest of life.

So go ahead and ask: "If Bikram Yoga is so wonderful for you, why do you keep running away from it?" Good question. Because I'm naturally lazy. Because {as one friend once put it} the "All or Nothing Lizard" has a death grip on my shoulder and once I take a few days off that's it. Because I have a million and one excuses: too hot, too tired, my whole life can't be about Bikram, I don't have the money, my feet hurt, etc.

Thus, the 60-Day Challenge. I can relax now. There will be no internal struggle every day about how I need to go to yoga but I don't want to go to yoga. For the next 57 days I have to be on the mat and not going is no longer an option. Once I'm at the studio all I have to do is listen to the teacher, do what she says, and allow grace to open me -- like a flower petal blooming.

Can you tell it's the first night?