I had such a hard time today in class. Lynne was being her ebullient self. She yelled at me to suck in my stomach at one point early on saying, "I read your blog Heather; I know how you cheat!" I laughed along with everyone else and then very soon after that everything deteriorated.
I had to sit on my mat during the balancing series because I became so dizzy I saw nothing but flickering static. I couldn't seem to catch my breath or slow down my heart during the floor series. And then after touching my fingertips to my forehead in the second to last posture, I started crying in savasana.
While we rested during the savasana that follows the final set of camel, Lynne gently reassured everyone that it was okay to feel dizzy or strange after such a deep backbend. Camel stirs up physical uneasiness, emotional disturbances and other distressing conditions. The important thing she said, "was to meet whatever comes up squarely and then be still with it." I laid through the entire second set wondering what this was that was coming up?
I came up with a long and messy list of reasons and I looked at it squarely, but although I kept my body still, I could not be still with that list. I just felt overwhelmed and I remembered wise words from a leader at a retreat I attended a year ago: "You can be uncomfortable and still be okay."
I felt undone and when I left the hot room, I curled into fetus position on top of my sopping towel and waited until I felt less wobbly before taking a shower. Everyone in the locker room was lovely and supportive. Shelley reminded me that there is no safer place to cry and that it's a gift of release that we are occasionally lucky enough to receive in this yoga.
How wise and loving people can be! I'm so fortunate that I have all of you and this yoga to make me both uncomfortable and okay; both safe and on the edge of distress; both aware and at peace.
Go Back and Look Again
8 years ago
4 comments:
Heather,
Tonight I did a double. For my first class I decided to not drink any water during class... the idea is that by drinking water, you are constantly disrupting your 90 minute moving meditation. And really, if you think about it, the water is just a distraction. A lot of times we drink it just because we're hot and the water is cold.... waterless classes are a real test of concentration... but the reason I am saying this to you is that I felt like I was about to break down in tears towards the end of my first class. I was craving and craving and craving. I was angry at myself for growing to be so dependent on something. (There are some studios that don't allow water in the hot room... hard to imagine, i know).
But anyway, I know how you feel. There are times when I am taking morning classes and I am extremely tight. I roll right out of bed and head for the studio and my body just isn't accepting the heat. I would get so angry I would hit the floor and then at times just sob (I would always have the mentality "I should be able to do this, I'm always able to do this, why isn't it happening now?!")
I also cried when Senior Teacher Lynn Whitlow came to teach a class and she held triangle so long tears just started rolling down the sides of my face.
It is true, what Shelley said, there's no safer place to cry, especially for a male. THIS IS HARD, what we do. It is not easy. I often have to remind myself of that. We work hard. And all for different reasons.
Sorry this comment turned into me telling you about ME. I just wanted to let you know that I have had many moments like that. I understand. I looked over at you during standing bow and you looked a bit discouraged. My heart went out to you when I saw you on your mat because its the people who are truly passionate about this yoga, their practice, and the mind, body, soul connection will experience moments of discouragement.
I am going to stop typing now because this is really way too long and I don't want to sound like I "know it all" .. because I don't. I still have moments like these, we all do, and I think it's our job to help each other through them.
Until tomorrow, yogini! I will see you in the hot room!
Really good point, AJ. The way the yoga works is that it pushes us to try hard, 110%, beyond where we think we can go mentally and physically. That effort, pushing ourselves to the edge, means that sometimes we arrive at our breaking point, but that means we're doing it right. As Bikram says, "if you feel nauseous, dizzy, throw up, you should be happy". If you break down in class, be encouraged, not discouraged. You are learning and changing. Big hugs to all crying yogis!
Thank you both so much! I am feeling much better today and got some outstanding news about a sick friend that made me cry again but they were happy tears!! It's amazing how much emotion we hold in our bodies and a beautiful thing that we can release some of it through our wonderful yoga!
It will be a pleasure to be back in the hot room with y'all again tonight!
Namaste!
Heather,
Bikram is a practice that literally forces us to look at ourselves... really look at ourselves.. we are silent and suffering for 1 1/2 hours, looking into a mirror, watching the sweat drip in front of our eyes. Most people avoid really looking at themselves... while during our practice we face our fears, hopes, disappointments and are given the gift of letting all this go.
I have had classes in which I cried from the first breath to the final breathing exercise. While going through a nasty divorce a few years ago, Bikram gave me strength and power... when in life I was depressed and terrified.
I have also had the experiences where I smiled and laughed to myself during my entire 1 1/2 hours of our sweaty practice.
So embrace even the "bad" classes, when sitting out a pose or purging emotion... you are a warrior, a goddess... glistening with sweat...
Namaste!
Alex
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