Day 53, Class 44 & 1/2: Testing My Limits

Despite my brave words from the last post, there was little smiling at the 9:00 a.m. class. Kyle announced that Sarah had a new studio rule. The front row was prime real estate and they were going to ask those in the front row not to sit down. If you needed a break from a posture and you were in the front row, you could stand. I was already a little nervous going in to class because I still hurt and I still planned to do a double, but I also thought it was fair. New people stand in the back so they can see what more experienced yogis are doing. When we sit down, there is a domino effect. And so often, we do give ourselves a break simply because we can.

I stayed in the front row and I stayed standing but it was a class with a lot of hurt. Trying to push through was important to me. As I have said in numerous posts, I am a weenie. If it hurts, I tend to pull away and as J.R. remarked to me one day, "You aren't the least bit competitive." I'm not. I think that some athletes are and that state of mind helps them get through the task at hand. Pada Hastasana was hard, Separate Leg Stretching was hard, the sit ups were painful and these are all things I normally look forward to! And there were tears at certain junctures and the runny nose that comes with it and makes it hard to breathe.

I apologize to anyone who tried to talk to me between classes. I wasn't very good company, but I was determined. So I changed my clothes, put a comb through my hair, drank some coconut water, and went back in and laid in Savasana until Sarah flipped the lights on for the 11:00 class. When I got to my feet it wasn't pretty. The whole left side of my body from mid-back to ankle hurt and the act of standing up required some contortion. That should have been the ultimate sign to me, but of course, it wasn't. Sarah must have seen me though, because she asked what was wrong and when I told her she said gently, "Maybe this isn't the best day for a double."

Even that wasn't enough, I drew myself up and said I really wanted to get a few more classes in for the challenge and that time was running out. And so we began. Pranayama wasn't too bad, Half-Moon hurt, but Half-Moon frequently hurts, the Back Bend was awful but it's supposed to hurt, right? Pada Hastasana was brutal. Straightening back up I felt old and highly arthritic. Awkward was okay, Eagle was okay, even Separate Leg Head to Knee and Standing Bow were okay and then came Separate Leg Stretching and that was the end. I hurt so badly and I had a really difficult time coming out of it and even though we were almost halfway through the class, I knew there was no one way I could continue. I started to cry with huge wracking sobs and said to Sarah, "I think you were right about this not being a good day for a double." Then I picked up my stuff and fled.

Sarah asked Kyle if she could pinch hit for a while and then she came after me. I felt terrible about distracting the entire class and pulling Kyle away from her practice. Sarah was wonderful. She called me a "bruiser" and wrapped a towel around me, got me an ice pack and some pillows, and told me to lie there for as long as I needed. She checked on me again during the two-minute Savasana and told me to move the ice pack so I didn't "freezer burn" myself.

So there I was, lying on my back in the lobby, staring up at the halogens, listening to Aretha Franklin {I LOVE Aretha Franklin!} and thinking. As Sarah said while she was getting me set up, "It's so hard to know which voice to listen to." But I think trying was important for me. It was necessary for me to come to the 9:00 even though I already hurt. Understanding and learning to trust the voices around us and inside us is so vital. And it's good to stretch our expectations of ourselves as much as it is to stretch our bodies. I still hurt today, but I've stretched the boundaries of what I think I can do.

So my plan of accomplishing two doubles this weekend has been scrapped. Right now, I'm just kind of hoping I can make it to today's 4:00 p.m. class. If it hurts too much even then, then I'll plan to go to 7:00 p.m. on Monday. Happily, the yoga studio and its lovely people and its challenges are always there!

Days 50-52, Classes 42 & 43: Smile! It makes it easier.

Wednesday night was a terrific class with Kyle. She stopped to demonstrate Half Moon which was highly enlightening. Somehow, seeing the posture with a good explanation sometimes really can make all the difference. I felt really good about my floor bows because I did push and I felt like I went somewhere new. We had a funny conversation about my touching my ankle bones together during Stretching pose. I said that I was trying but that my fingers wrapped around my toes keeps them from touching. Kyle looked dubious. In her defense, lots of other people seem to be able to do it. I shall just have to try harder.

Last night I was too sore/exhausted from an all-day photo shoot at school. We were all over campus, up and down a million stairs, and lugging camera equipment, although I certainly had the lighter load. I returned home and immediately crawled into bed and passed out.

Tonight was 6:00 p.m. with Abby. It has been too long since I took a class with Abby and she said something near the beginning of class {could it have been Awkward pose?} that I loved. "Smile! It makes it easier." And it does. It's a good thing she said it too. I was in the second set of Standing Separate Leg Stretching Pose, reaching mightily to touch my forehead to my towel and it happened. I felt a slight pop in the back of my left thigh (if my hamstring were a guitar string it would have let out a sour twang} and then felt a bit of pain and then we were out. In triangle I felt okay on the right side but oh, when I went to the other side I went down and then out! {Kyle I can feel you rolling your eyes. But really, it did just give way! And remember, I am a weenie!} And it HURT! I got through the rest of class {except for floor bow -- I grabbed my feet but when the kicking began I immediately stopped} and talked to Abby afterward. She's thinking that the terrifying bruise right above the back of my left knee is from pushing my hamstrings a little too hard.

I've been thinking about doing back-to-back doubles tomorrow and Sunday to get a little more caught up. We'll see. Abby said to ice it tonight, let Kyle and Sarah know tomorrow, and just see how it goes. Wise counsel, I think. I'd really like to do the doubles. We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, smile, it really does make it easier!

Days 48 & 49, Class 41: Yoga for the Masses

At work today I logged in to Facebook to post a story for my school and saw that Lynne had indicated in her status that she was packing for her trip to the West Coast. I checked the schedule and realized that the 5:00 p.m. today was the last class she was teaching for a week so I left work a bit early so I could be there.

EVIDENTLY SO DID 40 OTHER PEOPLE!

Now, I have no idea if they were all there because they also needed a Lynne fix or because 5:00 p.m. fit their schedule best or if the cold snap was driving people back to the 105 degree room, but it was crazy and wonderful and so, so hot and humid!

My friend Shelley came in when I did and when we walked in the studio to place our mats I walked back out because I thought most of the people in the room were leftover from a previous class. {Note: There is no class directly preceding the 5:00 p.m. Duh!} It was such a shock. The weather has been so beautiful lately, and I've been attending class at different times of the day because of spring break, that there just haven't been that many people there.

When I walked in the second time, I saw Amy waving to me from the front row. There was a sliver of space next to her, so I put my mat next to hers. There were new students, other 60-day challengers, folks who do the advanced class, and even Sarah, who owns the studio.

There's just a different energy in the room when there are so many people. It's immediately so much more hot and humid with all those sweaty people breathing and also a bit of a party atmosphere. Lynne began class with her trademark "Look at yourself in the mirror and have a GREAT class!" And we were off.

During Half Moon I was leaning so far into Amy's space that Lynne yelled, "C'mon Heather! You're so close! Just reach a little more and touch her!" So I did, and we both laughed. And I did it again in the second set. After that, there wasn't as much opportunity for mirth. It was just so hot. But it was good to be back in the room after another night off {this time for a work dinner}. I felt so tight in places. It will be good to have a bunch of classes in a row this week!

Days 45, 46 & 47, Classes 39 & 40: Gratitude

It's been a busy couple of days, including two yoga classes, an overnight trip to DC with J.R., friends from out of town, a dedication ceremony with my circle, cleaning, cooking and trying to get ready to go back to work. I had a moment at 3:00 p.m. today when I thought maybe I should skip the 4:00 p.m. class and just try to get my life together. I was tired, surveying the wreckage of my house while the sun poured through open windows and remembering that I hadn't picked up a prescription.

But I went. The house would still be there when I returned home at 6:00 and I needed to go. I was starting to make a big deal out of wanting to hold on to the last few hours of my spring break and then I took a deep breath and realized that there was no need to get stirred up. I just switched gears and went to class full of gratitude.

I'm grateful for:

• all the caring, interesting, magical people in my life.
• my steady yoga practice.
• the return of green shoots in my garden.
• the 60-Day Bikram Challenge card Amy brought me back from Chicago!
• work that I love with people that I love. It will good to see them again tomorrow!
• the beautiful pink roses and gerber daisies that Dave and Justina brought and for the iris James added to them last night.
• fresh air pouring through the bedroom window.
• the funny class on Friday when I was able to use laughter to climb a little higher during full Locust.
• the two beautiful pink flowering heather plants I bought.
• Mirabilia & Eleuthia

I could go on and on, and I thought of all of these and more while I was laying in Savasana before class began. Today was #40 and although I have had/will have to skip some classes, I truly feel that it has begun to soak in; that I am finally at a place of steady practice and steady growth.

Blessed be!

Day 44, Class 38: Back to Basics

Today was 9:30 with Sarah and I felt a little nostalgic. When Sarah opened BYH 5 years ago, I was one of her first students. The basics of my yoga practice came from her and the two other teachers at the time, Jen and Monica. So it was fun to be in a class today that had few students {St. Patrick's Day hangovers?} and to hear Sarah say "Feet nicely together. Look down and make sure your toes are in a straight line. Sometimes one foot likes to sneak forward a bit." I looked down and one of my feet was slightly out of alignment. I corrected it and immediately felt more solid.

The rest of the class was like that. Lots of corrections and compliments, explanations of certain postures, and little Sarahisms that open a window into Bikram's dialogue, making it easier to understand. In Savasana after Camel she explained that while the deep compression in the spine is the same in Floor Bow and Camel, that in Floor Bow we work against gravity to make us stronger, but that in Camel we work with gravity to make us more flexible. As often as I've done these postures, I hadn't really thought of them in this way and I like seeing the connection.

I'm going to the 9:30 class tomorrow and then I won't be able to make it to class on Saturday as J.R. and I are going to DC overnight. There may not be a blog entry until after the 4:00 p.m. on Sunday. Just a heads-up!

Days 42 & 43, Classes 36 & 37: How are your expectations?

Sorry I have become a sporadic blogger. Life keeps intervening but I keep telling myself that the Challenge is the yoga {which I am doing} and the blogging the icing on the cake!

Monday night was class with energetic Lynne. After class, she sat down to talk with me for a while about the Challenge and certain postures, and how I felt, and then she asked, "And how are your expectations?" And I realized that they're mostly gone, which surprised me. I said, "I just show up for class and try to do what I'm told."

It's amazing how freeing this is! I've known for a long time that I am the cause of my own suffering. We all are. We dread things, we put them off because we dread them, or we fight with ourselves over them, we become exhausted and then, WE STILL HAVE TO FACE THEM ANYWAY! Why not just let go of this purposeless struggle and clean the house, do the taxes, tackle the work project, have the difficult talk, replace the kitty litter, and do the yoga? In addition, why don't we change our attitude while we're at it? I'm grateful I have a house to clean, a tax return to put in the bank, a job I find challenging, relationships I cherish, kitties I love, and yoga that fixes everything! Why not show up with no baggage, be in the moment, let it go afterward, and move on to the next moment with the same lightness of being?

A friend who had borrowed my copy of "Start Where You Are," by Pema Chodron, just returned it to me. Perfect timing!

Don't worry about achieving. Don't worry about perfection. Just be there each moment the best you can. ... Everything is changing all the time, and we keep wanting to pin it down, to fix it. So whenever you come up with a solid conclusion, let the rug be pulled out. You can pull out your own rug, and you can also let life pull it out for you.

Having the rug pulled out from under you is a big opportunity to change your fundamental pattern. It's like changing the DNA. One way to pull out your own rug is by just letting go, lightening up, being more gentle, and not making such a big deal.

I'm big on making a big deal out of everything; but life {and yoga} are better served by just showing up and meeting what happens as it happens. The labels can fall away and movement can occur. This is as much a practice for me as the postures and is even more beneficial.

Thank you Lynne and Kyle {see her comment on my last post} for being teachers that help me find the path through the postures AND the philosophy!

Days 40 & 41, Classes 34 & 35: Different Every Day

Sorry to have missed a few days away from the blog. My yoga experiences this weekend highlighted the concept that although every Bikram class is the same it is always different as well.

After a night off on Friday, I attended the 11 a.m. on Saturday morning. Jaime, who used to teach regularly at BYH but had moved south, was in town and guest teaching. I realized that I had become very used to the four teachers I'd had for the last month and a half. Jaime is more soft-spoken than my other teachers and has a way of pausing in between each phrase of the dialogue that makes her delivery seem very deliberate. I had arrived a bit later than usual and ended up in the front right hand of the corner of the studio which is darker due to a burnt-out light and seemed far away from the center of the room I usually inhabit. I felt much more isolated than I normally do. Right after class I had to hustle to get to my niece's lacrosse game at Hopkins and I was aware of the time boggle peripherally throughout my practice. Normally I just shower and go home to dinner and bed. It rained steadily all Saturday and we rained as well. It was a VERY wet class but I felt very strong. Each one of those things made Saturday's practice unique despite the fact that it was the same 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises it always is.

Today Daylight Savings Time began and although I managed to get a houseguest out the door for a late night bus to Pittsburgh, I completely forgot to set my clocks forward. You can imagine my chagrin when I woke up at 7:50 and then abruptly realized that it was now 8:50 and I was 10 minutes from missing Kyle's 9:00 a.m. class. J.R. looked at my face and said, "Grab your stuff. I'll drop you at class and then go pick up our CSA." So I threw on my yoga clothes, grabbed my towels and mat and got to class with 5 minutes to spare.

Normally for weekend morning classes, I set my alarm early so that I can eat some scrambled egg whites and a piece of fruit and drink some water a few hours beforehand. I also take a hot bath, stretch a bit, and then walk the two and half blocks to class. All of this warms me up in a way I didn't fully appreciate until I was in a painful Half Moon and then a Pada Hastasana in which I had a bit of trouble locking my knees! I NEVER have trouble in that posture! It was just as humid as the day before but also hotter as well. Kyle's jokes and stories helped when I felt that I had been hit by the "Yoga Golf Cart." Normally we refer to those days when we feel like limp noodles and have to sit out postures as being hit by the "Yoga Truck." This felt akin to that, but, other than sitting out one set of triangle, I was somehow able to keep going, thus "golf cart" instead of "truck."

The class made me appreciate one of the effects of the 60-Day Challenge, which is that the habit of practice has its own rewards. By practicing "all the time," our bodies are able to carry on even when circumstances are not optimal. Even when I don't feel strong in the indvidual postures or overall class, I feel strong that I went. That tight, humid class was my practice today.

This is Spring Break week for me and I don't have a lot of plans. I'm looking forward to a little downtime and to a varied yoga schedule. It will be fun to practice at different times of the day, with all five teachers.

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

Day 38, Class 33: Back in Black {& Purple}

It was good to be back!

It was great to be back in class under Abby's tutelage. She has a crisp delivery and a way of making you want to do your best. And my best tonight wasn't too bad. I had a great standing series. My back didn't give me a problem until Floor Bow and then I remembered that I'd kicked REALLY high into it on Tuesday. I started to kick into it tonight and and my back immediately sent out all kinds of frantic WARNING signals, so I lay down in Savasana immediately. Fixed Firm and Half Tortoise -- no problem, but then the same thing happened with Camel. I set it up and the second I leaned back, I received the same internal flashing red lights and siren. My body had a spontaneous memory of arching so high on Tuesday, that I'd almost seen my feet. When I lay back down in Savasana, I could swear I felt a knot on the lower left side of my back. But then I did two sets of Rabbit that sent a pleasing stretch throughout my back and finished the rest of class.

And thus is progress made. Not only a playing of the edge that leads into a deeper expression of the postures, but a rising above the fear of anticipated pain. I mentioned last night that I am weenie. I am not the type to view pain as a trophy of my athleticisim and I was surprised at how fine I felt for most of the class. How often do we procrastinate because we fear something THAT NEVER MATERIALIZES? One of my favorite sayings is "Don't borrow trouble. The rate of interest is too high." And it's so true! How much time and energy do we waste in the grip of what if? Tonight it felt good to show up, listen to my body, and realize that it would let me know if I was really in trouble.

It was also terrific to be able to stand next to my friend Amy. She has such a strong practice and a determination that I really admire. It's always a pleasure to share a mirror with her!

I won't be able to make class or post tomorrow, but I'm looking forward to a weekend of good yoga! It feels good to have a redesigned blog for the second half of the Challenge. Hope you find it easier to read! I've also included more entries in the Terrific Blogs list to the right. These yogis and yoginis inspire me every day, as I hope they do you!

Day 37: OUCH!

It is 6:45 p.m. Class starts in 15 minutes and I am not going. My back is KILLING me. It has all day. I'm thinking it was the really deep Camel from last night. I've taken a large amount of Advil and an epsom salt bath and it's no better. Not even a smidge.

Up until about 20 minutes ago, I thought I was still going. I'm in a Challenge for a reason after all. I know that people come to class not feeling all that great and that the purpose of the yoga is to FIX your body. I thought I would just tell Kyle that my back really hurts today and I would do the best I can.

And then I started reviewing the postures in my head. Half Moon? Ouch! Standing Head to Knee? Ouch! Triangle? Ouch. THE ENTIRE FLOOR SERIES? OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

I will admit to being a weenie. I just couldn't face it.

And now I have to face you and tell you I couldn't do it. It's amazing the sense of responsibility I feel towards an audience I cannot see and, in some cases, do not know.

And right when I was writing this, I heard that funny popping sound that means someone is messaging me on Facebook. It's Kyle, who has traded with Abby and wants to know if I'm going to class. I tell her the whole sorry story and she tells me I was right to take a night off, but to make sure I go back tomorrow and work it through, being careful of the back and forward bends.

I cannot tell you how much better this makes me feel. Even though for me, the object of the Challenge is to get to a place where a regular practice is a necessity in my life and not just an aspiration, I still feel like a truant when I miss a class.

And now I am going to take the rest of her advice and find my hot water bottle and rest!

See you tomorrow!

Day 36, Class 32: Peace Out

Today just felt good. Not too hot, not too cold. A little bit further down on Eagle, hands in prayer for part of standing separate head to knee, folded thumb knuckles to forehead during the stretching forward part of floor head to knee.

Sarah was back from Barcelona and taught class. I realized when I looked back over this blog that's it been two weeks to the day since the last time I had her as a teacher, and it feels like SO much has happened since then!

Shelley came in when I did {from the opposite door} and it seemed like a long time since I'd seen her as well. She asked how the Challenge was going for me and I said really well. She looked at me for a long moment and said, "You seem REALLY peaceful." And I said, "I am."

I do feel really peaceful. I know that there will be days in the future when the "yoga truck" will run me over again, but right now my practice just seems steady and sure, my breath seems calm and deep, my postures strong and evolving. It's easy to feel thankful to the universe when my head touches the mat right before practice. That's a gift, an easy moment of grace. I'll take it!

Day 35, Class 31: Inner Wisdom

I've noticed that I've stopped thinking "I don't want to go." I think my practice is finally just becoming something I do.

Tonight was 7 p.m. with Lynne. It was fun to be in class with her because I haven't had her as a teacher in a week and she's SO enthusiastic. Class felt good. My body is getting stronger and so is my focus. During the mid-class Savasana, Lynne reminded us that although some of us come to yoga seeking wisdom from our teachers, that the wisdom is really inside ourselves. When we are able to be still and quiet the monkey mind, we discover that we tap into the well of inner knowing, of intuition, that lies inside each one of us.

I do feel that the inner chatter is less, that I'm remembering to breathe more and give situations a little more space. The absence of constant struggle feels like a bit of wisdom. It's such a relief to feel like I'm making progress, even if it's just reaching a bit more, letting go of a morsel of fear, or slowing down enough just to be present.

The top part of the blackboard has changed. It now reads, "Wherever you are today is exactly where you need to be."

It's nice to know I'm in the right place!

Day 34, Class 30! Let The Sun Shine In

Wow! It is amazing to think that I used to laugh at Sarah when she would encourage me to do the 30-Day Challenge. "I would hate you, this yoga, and everyone in this studio, and I would never come back," I'd say and I believed it. And now 30 classes are over and the complete opposite is true. I love BYH and everyone there. {The photo above is the blackboard in the lobby. Sarah wrote that in the beginning of February when A.J. and I first started blogging. It's fun to see the blog address up there in brightly colored chalk.} I love the yoga even when it kicks my ass and I will be coming back for the next 30 days and beyond. Kyra wasn't there at the 9:00 a.m. {she teaches Sunday School}, but I found her star stickers and proudly placed one in today's square on the chart. I think I'll put a gold one up for my 60th class!

Kyle taught a fun class, as usual. She was full of jokes and corrections and praise and our large class responded to her direction. I finally managed to pull my hands away from the floor in toe stand {at least on one side} and felt like I achieved some nice height on my locusts and floor bows and remembered to breathe through my triangles. Kyle said she's going to bring in her camera and take some pictures of my postures for me to post here and that made me feel really good!

Day 31 here I come!

Day 33, Classes 28 & 29: Double Your Fun

SO happy!

The 9:00 a.m. class was awesome for so many reasons. Amy saved me a spot and it was such a pleasure to practice next to my friend and fellow blogger. I missed the yoga after two nights off and I felt SO STRONG! I did every set of every posture and even smiled through a bunch of them. Kyle was teaching both the 9 and the 11 and so when I emerged from the 9 and felt the best I have ever felt after a class, doing the 11 just felt inevitable and RIGHT!

So I did. And for about 10 horrible minutes, I thought I'd made a HUGE mistake. My arms hurt in Pranayama and my side hurt so badly in Half Moon, and the backs of my legs hurt so badly in Standing Head to Knee. But ... I rocked out Eagle and Balancing Stick and the floor series was fine. And then I walked out and Kyle put The Allman Brothers on the stereo and we jammed out a little and I felt like a rock star!

Tomorrow's 9:00 a.m. class will be number 30 for me and I'll be officially halfway through the challenge. My body is changing so much. I've lost about 7 pounds, I'm beginning to see my waist again and my butt is tighter. When I do Standing Head to Knee and pull my elbows down, I look like an athlete and I LOVE that!

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. It has fueled my practice in a way you cannot imagine! The sun is out and it's 50 degrees in B'more. Go and enjoy! I intend to!!

Days 31 & 32: Oh, The Places You'll Go!

I miss my practice. I knew I would miss Friday night because I would be in DC for work during the day, wasn't sure exactly when I'd return {because of traffic mostly}, and I was planning on having dinner with my best friend from high school. Well, Kimberly broke two of her toes earlier this week when a wine bottle fell from the top of her fridge onto her foot {I've heard of hurting from too much wine, but this is ridiculous!}, so then I planned to go to Friday at 6 after all. Then I came home on Thursday night and J.R. asked for my help with a Photoshop problem and I felt like I really hadn't seen him much lately, and he was going to be away for the weekend, so I said, "Why don't I just skip practice tonight and we'll have dinner and hang out and I can make it up tomorrow night?" I'd also been harboring thoughts of attempting my first double on Saturday morning, so it seemed like a good plan.

Thursday night was fun {although I looked at the clock every once in a while and thought, "They're just going into Awkward Pose now." etc.}. We ate too much sushi, played Life {which is a seriously messed-up game for anyone who hasn't played since they were a kid} and just enjoyed each other's company.

Today was unexpectedly tiring. We were stuck in traffic for two and a half hours coming home and I realized there was no way I could make it to class. My heart sank. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home, picked up the ingredients for dinner with friends tomorrow night and a package of fancy {not Mrs. T's} pierogies for dinner to soothe my soul.

Now it's 10:08 and I feel HEAVY from the pierogies {which were not very good} and thirsty and I MISS MY YOGA! I never thought that would happen -- about the pierogies or the missed classes. My body knows what it wants, and it does not want a giant plate of potatoes and cheese tucked inside pasta. It wants gallons of ice water, a hot humid room, and a teacher exhorting me to kick, kick, KICK!

And then, I opened the following e-mail from my mom:

I tried to reply to your blog but, inept as I am, I’m sure I didn’t complete the circuit! This is so difficult for you, and for many reasons that I may not understand (I’m sorry if I don’t, I know I should!) but remember the stool I made for you….that’s probably at a consignment store by now, but "Oh the places you can go!!!!!!" Maybe you never quite got that, maybe it’s my fault, but I still believe it!  It wasn’t just another needlepoint piece, it was and is something I truly believe! I could never put my body through the rigors that you’re going through (and my body is grateful) but I admire you and love you for the gallant effort! You’re so very special and if this insane, hot, sweaty, rigorous exercise gets you there, I’m happy for you! It’s so exciting to see you meet the challenge and stick with it. I’m not surprised -- you fought for the big hair, going to Scotland and being your own person, (some humor and A LOT of truth). Never forget the many people who love you and admire you, with or without the Bikram Yoga Challenge! 

Know that we support you because we love you, 
your sweet mother

I love my mom and I have never doubted her love or support for one second, but an e-mail like that does take your breath away! The stool she's referring to is a large, square footstool that she needlepointed {a LOT of white background} as my graduation gift from college. The artwork is the cover to the Dr. Seuss book "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" and features a character being carried away by balloon. Next time I am slogging away in the doldrums of class, I'll remember her words and that buoyant book cover.

Thanks mom! I love you too!

Day 30, Class 27: Whatever It Is

Tonight was better.

A part of me was a little nervous today, but I tried to put that aside. Every day is different, every class is different. I was tired all day, but maybe that just meant I would be energized by my practice tonight.

Kyle was definitely energized! She was teaching tonight and had the Beach Boys playing in the studio before class to pump herself up.

Some parts of my practice were strong, some sets I sat out. I tried to concentrate on slowing and deepening my breath throughout.

It was good.

The following song by Ben Lee came up on my playlist today, and it came to mind as I was walking home after class. I think it describes where I am in this yoga journey now.

Namaste.

Whatever It Is

Are you changing, are you changing, are you changing?
Do you know it, do you feel it, do you know it?
But you're waiting, why're you waiting, why're you waiting?
Just do it, whatever it is.
There are secrets, there are secrets, there are secrets.
There are places, there are places, you can go to.
They might tell you, yeah they'll tell you, that you shouldn't.

Just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Go do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Just do it, whatever it is.

And you're dancing, and you're looking kinda crazy.
And your arms, are making little circles.
There are reasons, there are reasons, you can find out.

So do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Go do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Whatever it is, whatever it is.

It's so quiet, it's so quiet, it's so quiet.
And you're dreaming, and you're dreaming,
And you're dreaming.
I turn to you and say 
Awake is the new sleep, awake is the new sleep
So wake up. And do it, whatever it is.
Just do it, whatever it is.
'Cause awake is the new sleep,
Awake is the new sleep
So wake up
Wake up.

And do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
Go do it, whatever it is, whatever it is
Just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is.

PS: Thanks to everyone who left a comment last night {I responded at the end of that post but it occurred to me that people probably don't look at previous post once they've read and/or commented the first time.} Thanks to my friend Madelyn who sent me a wonderfully encouraging e-mail through FB today and thanks to Kyra who took good care of me after class last night and has promised to put a star on the chart when I hit 30 days!

Day 29: Accept Your Practice

I strode into the BYH studio tonight, an imaginary laurel perched jauntily on my head after yesterday's triumph. "Are you excited for tonight's class?" Lynne asked.  I said I was always excited to take one of her classes. I put my mat on the hot side again {although just to the left of center}, thanked the universe for bringing me here, and got ready to have a great class.

When will I learn to let go of expectations?

The whole standing series I felt {as Abby so aptly put it the other day} like I was breathing through pea soup. I managed to get through the spine strengthening series and then breathed through Fixed Firm {which I love}, struggled through the first set of Half Tortoise {which I also love} and then I was done. Kaput. Finished. Sat out the second set of Half Tortoise which I have never ever done. Sat out the first set of Camel so I could do the second set. Tried to set it up and just couldn't. I was like a giant wet noodle. No beloved Camel for me. And then the tears came. I stayed in Savasana and cried all the way through Rabbit, Head to Knee, and Spine Twist and then tried to rally for Kapalbhati Breathing. I sat in the position but couldn't really push the air our forcefully. At one point I remember thinking, "I'm not going to be able to walk out of here. I'm going to have to spend the night in the studio."

I did walk out and sat on the bench in the lobby bewildered trying to figure out what happened. I had been so pumped. I'd eaten really well and for once, felt properly hydrated. I had a good attitude going in. I even had a pretty good Standing Head to Knee. Lynne came out of the locker room. "I'm sorry," I said. "What for?" she replied. "I'm just bummed I couldn't do my practice." She said, "This was your yoga tonight. You have to accept your practice." I wondered aloud if it was because I'd pushed so hard the night before and my body was just worn out. She said, "You'll never figure it out. Sometimes it just happens this way. You're coming every night and you're going through immense mental, physical, and emotional change and sometimes there just isn't enough time to process it all. This is what it was tonight." Blessed Lynne!

I go to an Earth-honoring retreat every year in October. The two things they always say are: "Come with no expectations." and "There is nowhere else to go. There is nothing else to do." What happens there is meant to unfold through us as it happens, with no resistance from us. These are the same people who taught me, "You can be uncomfortable and still be okay." How I struggle with this {as you've read throughout this blog} in every part of my life. I am a bit of a control freak and this yoga is trying to work that out of me the way it's trying to get me to suck my stomach in and lock the damn knee. Stay tuned.

Day 28: Challenges within the Challenge

When I walked into the studio tonight both Kyle and Lynne greeted me enthusiastically from behind the desk and then Lynne said, "I think it's time for you to move to the hot side of the studio!" Kyle chimed in with, "Yeah, you should be right by the new side mirrors." Having said last night that I was going to try to be "more accepting of WHATEVER comes up in the yoga studio and in my life" this week, I said, "Okay. I'll give it a try."

I'm a weenie about the hot side of the room the way I've always been a weenie about doing a Bikram Yoga Challenge of any kind, taking the 6:15 a.m. class or doing a double. Well, I'm doing the 60-Day Challenge {and yes, it has crossed my mind that if I'd started with a 30-day one, I'd almost be done!}, I've taken one 6:15 a.m. class so far and I'm contemplating doing a double this Saturday morning. Doing the Challenge is about pushing myself out of my comfort zone and it looked like today was "hot side day."

Right before class began, Kyle suggested to us that if we started planning during one posture to sit the next one out, that we should plan to sit the one after it out and see if we could make it through, especially if there was one we had a habit of skipping. "The beauty of this series," she said, "is that it's designed to give you the break you need if you keep going in the postures."

So this was another challenge on top of the hot side of the room challenge, and you know what? I did it! I hung on during my Triangles and I really wanted to take a break during the spine strengthening series and I didn't. I caught up to myself during Fixed Firm {even though we all sang "Happy Birthday" to Nikki while we were in it--very fun!} and Half Tortoise, and then felt really nauseous after the first set of Camel. After the savasana, I still felt a little nauseous but I thought, do the sit up and then do the setup. I did and when I got into the setup I felt ten times worse, so back I went into savasana and thought, "That's okay. Just let it all go and REALLY relax. You followed Kyle's instructions, now just breathe in and out, in and out.... Now sit up and do Rabbit!" And I did!

At times it really felt like someone had opened an oven door right in front of me, {Kyle said afterwards that I was in one of the hottest spots in the room} but I did it. It's good to have teachers gently, but firmly, give you the opportunity to discover what you can really do. So now I know that I can practice on the hot side and I can push myself a little farther than I thought. Thanks Lynne and Kyle!