I strode into the BYH studio tonight, an imaginary laurel perched jauntily on my head after yesterday's triumph. "Are you excited for tonight's class?" Lynne asked. I said I was always excited to take one of her classes. I put my mat on the hot side again {although just to the left of center}, thanked the universe for bringing me here, and got ready to have a great class.
When will I learn to let go of expectations?
The whole standing series I felt {as Abby so aptly put it the other day} like I was breathing through pea soup. I managed to get through the spine strengthening series and then breathed through Fixed Firm {which I love}, struggled through the first set of Half Tortoise {which I also love} and then I was done. Kaput. Finished. Sat out the second set of Half Tortoise which I have never ever done. Sat out the first set of Camel so I could do the second set. Tried to set it up and just couldn't. I was like a giant wet noodle. No beloved Camel for me. And then the tears came. I stayed in Savasana and cried all the way through Rabbit, Head to Knee, and Spine Twist and then tried to rally for Kapalbhati Breathing. I sat in the position but couldn't really push the air our forcefully. At one point I remember thinking, "I'm not going to be able to walk out of here. I'm going to have to spend the night in the studio."
I did walk out and sat on the bench in the lobby bewildered trying to figure out what happened. I had been so pumped. I'd eaten really well and for once, felt properly hydrated. I had a good attitude going in. I even had a pretty good Standing Head to Knee. Lynne came out of the locker room. "I'm sorry," I said. "What for?" she replied. "I'm just bummed I couldn't do my practice." She said, "This was your yoga tonight. You have to accept your practice." I wondered aloud if it was because I'd pushed so hard the night before and my body was just worn out. She said, "You'll never figure it out. Sometimes it just happens this way. You're coming every night and you're going through immense mental, physical, and emotional change and sometimes there just isn't enough time to process it all. This is what it was tonight." Blessed Lynne!
I go to an Earth-honoring retreat every year in October. The two things they always say are: "Come with no expectations." and "There is nowhere else to go. There is nothing else to do." What happens there is meant to unfold through us as it happens, with no resistance from us. These are the same people who taught me, "You can be uncomfortable and still be okay." How I struggle with this {as you've read throughout this blog} in every part of my life. I am a bit of a control freak and this yoga is trying to work that out of me the way it's trying to get me to suck my stomach in and lock the damn knee. Stay tuned.
Go Back and Look Again
8 years ago
4 comments:
One of the hardest lessons to learn is accepting ourselves even when we feel disappointed. I confront this often with rowing. I don't have the same types of expectations for yoga (and I don't have teammates watching me), so the disappointment does not get to me as much. There are good days and bad days, but we keep loving ourselves because guess what? We got up and tried! We walked into the room and stayed. How many people didn't even do that? Walk proud sister!
People often ask me how I don't get bored doing the same postures in the same order every day. I try to explain that it is never ever the same.
That has taught me to not get attached to the outcome. You do the yoga with the body and mind you bring into the room For better or worse. And that will change, for better or worse, pretty much every day. Yes- we make advances and we do get to hold on to the strength we build in our practice, the flexibility we develop, the patience, focus, and determination... but especially as women, we know that our bodies are different every time we wake up in the morning, and sometimes you just gotta go with what you have today. A rough day is difficult while it's happening, but passes so quickly- and who knows what the next day will bring?!
You are still a rock star baby!!
Yes! I'm glad this happened to you, because it means you are working through things and will have breakthroughs! I spent the first 30 days of this challenge struggling, with many many practices just as you described (and I'm no newbie by any means!) I was so frustrated with myself. I finally let go, accepted that this was my practice however many times the yoga truck decided to run me over and the past 20 days I have been stronger than I have ever been in my three years of practice.
You didn't leave the room...that's all that counts!
Thank you all for your thoughtful and supportive posts! They do make such a difference. I don't feel like I'm howling in the wind quite so much this way. And Michelle, it was funny to go home last night and realize that I had finally been hit by your "yoga truck!" Silly as it seems, knowing that there was a name for what happened to me made me feel better.
One of the other things that made me laugh was that teachers really do know the difference between when you really can't do it and when you just don't want to do it. I was so afraid that Lynne was going to say, "Heather! What are you doing? Get up and do the posture!" but when I tried to set up a position, I turned over on my hands and knees and my legs just gave out on me and I rolled back over. Lynne just said ruefully, "Oh Heather." She knew.
I'll be there tonight at 7. What happens after that, only the Universe knows!
*hug* to you all!
me
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