Days 25, 26, & 27: Euphoria!

Sorry for the blogging hiatus. I've been trying to find a balance these last few days. Thursday was so emotional. Friday (Day 25) I didn't make it to class. We had a huge event going on at our school and I spent the day on my feet photographing it. Technically, I got home with just enough time to get to class, but just didn't have the heart or energy for it. Saturday morning (Day 26) I was determined to get to the 9:30 class but forgot that on the weekends it's a 9 a.m. class and missed it. Luckily, I only live a couple of blocks away from the studio so I came home, left my bag by the door and my yoga clothes on, and cleaned house for an hour before going back for the 11 a.m. class. When I arrived, I saw Kyle, who had just finished teaching the 9 a.m. class, and told her that I was feeling, well, "challenged" by the Challenge. And she said, "It's storytime! Come over here and I'll tell you my story."

And she did. It's a long story, and not mine to tell, but it's all about how this yoga is a cleansing and restorative practice in ALL ways. There's the physical benefits -- working all the systems, muscles, organs, tissues in the body, healing old injuries, and creating strength and flexibility; but there's also the emotional and mental benefits. We hold so much in our bodies and this practice brings old issues, heartbreaks, and disappointments to the surface and offers us release. The crying, frustration, anger, shame, you name it, that wash over me in class are outlets for crap I've been carrying around for who knows how long. It's a gift to be able to let it go.

It helps so much to know we are not alone. Listening to Kyle, I felt a shift occur. I can do this. And on the days when it hurts the most in any way; those are the days I'm receiving the most benefit.

I had a solid class with Abby and then went home to find that J.R had finished up the house cleaning and started the laundry. I went to the grocery store, had my hair cut and colored, and then cooked a meal for dear friends I hadn't seen in a while. After dinner, J.R. left for a concert (he owns a record label) and I puttered in the kitchen cleaning up and enjoying quiet time with the cats, feeling much more grounded.

This morning (Day 27) I woke up early enough to have a hard boiled egg, a kiwi, and a cup of tea and to read of bit of the NY Times before heading off to Kyle's 9 a.m. class. It was a great one! Kyle decided today that we needed to smile because "Smiling is how we tell ourselves we're having a good time." So we practiced with smiles on our faces and I worked hard, trying to make the corrections she gave and enjoying the praise for my Locust. And then it happened. I came out of my first set of Camel, lay down in Savasana and a wave of euphoria swept over me. Blessed be!

The rest of the day was just a quiet day at home with J.R. and the kitties. It was such a relief to be home in a clean house with no chores to do or places to be. I took a delicious nap and was aware that I was happy.

This week has been such a roller coaster. I'm hoping that in the week to come I'll be able to more accepting of WHATEVER comes up in the yoga studio and in my life.

Day 24: Emotional Rescue?

This is going to be a short post. I took the 5 p.m. today because I was going out to dinner tonight. Abby taught a good class, the room was fine, I wasn't nauseous or headachey but I fought tears almost the entire practice. Some of the bloggers in the 101-Day Challenge report that the first 30 days are physical and the second 30 are emotional. I certainly had an emotional class tonight and I'm not even at 30 days!

The list of variables is long. My body is tired and hurts in a number of places, the voice of the ego was loud and ugly tonight, I don't think I'm getting enough sleep, I may be going through perimenopause {I keep getting what I think are hot flashes and my mom started hers when she was 40}. Or maybe it was just the yoga opening up a big old internal can of worms. I don't know. I got out, came home and sobbed in the shower, talked it over with J.R., put makeup and clothes on and went to dinner. Now I seem to be fine.

Every day is different. We bring who we are that day to the mat and it all comes out through the yoga. Perhaps the practice is our emotional rescue, bringing all of it up to the surface so we can let it go.

I'm going to let the sound of the gale-force winds lull me to sleep. G'night.

Day 23: *phew*

I had a good class! I got in there, put my forehead to the mat, thanked the universe for bringing me here and then asked if I could just have no nausea or headache and I didn't. It was one of those classes that had little grace notes scattered throughout.

There are new mirrors on the left wall which opens up the room tremendously, Kyle was teaching and she informed us that we were going to take time to be still in each posture. It's amazing how that both deepens the pose and calms me down. Kyle's mom was in from out of town and was practicing behind me and it was funny and wonderful to hear Kyle call out, "That looks great Mom!" {On a side note to my mom: Mom, it would be terrific to have you in class one day! Consider yourself invited at my expense!} My new friend Amy (and wonderful fellow blogger) practiced right next to me and that energy helped lift me up. I made sure to eat plenty of lean protein today and I think that made a difference as well.

It was just a good solid class all the way around. Hooray!

Day 22: Three Good Things

1. I got to meet Amy, a fellow blogger and yogini. She had just finished the 5:00 p.m. class. See her blog from the links on the right.
2. I managed to keep my hands in prayer position during Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee. Thank you Sarah for making me give it a go!
3. I stayed in the room.

I am determined that this will be a positive blog entry. The truth is that I was fired up for yoga today, especially since I missed last night. I thought because I wanted to practice that it would feel great and it just didn't. I felt nauseous almost from the get go (I'd chugged a short glass of Emergen-C a half-hour before class hoping that would give me a boost of energy, but I think the carbonation did a number on my stomach) and I had a headache for most of class. I only sat out a couple sets but one of them was my precious Camel and that bummed me out. My back muscles and left shoulder hurt, but I'm getting used to ignoring that.

So, acknowledging that every class is different and I don't know what it's going to be like until I'm in it, what can I do? It occurred to me while I was laying down during the second set of Camel that I didn't eat any protein today. I'm usually very mindful of what and when I eat. Today I ate well -- whole grains, veggies, fruit, lots of water, green tea but no protein. I'm definitely putting the kibosh on chugging Emergen-C before class. I slept well so I don't think it's that. Any other ideas? All advice is welcome!

Day 21: The Best Laid Plans

Today I was feeling very positive about going to class. I had a good night's sleep, was productive at work, ate nutritiously, drank the water, and was fired up to go to class and just be really focused and strong.

And then I got home to find our kitten racing around, wrestling with our older cat, and desperately trying to detach the cardboard cone that J.R. had constructed to keep him from licking his new incision. The instructions from the vet say that he should not be active or interact with other cats. So much for that! J.R. {whose baby this is} was looking alarmed and also felt vaguely sick. He had an acupuncture appointment at 6 that he was willing to cancel for my yoga class {since we could not leave our newly neutered and spastic kitten in such a state} and that's where I drew the line.

"You feel sick and weird and you're worried about Cooper. Go to acupuncture. It's no big deal. I can do a double this weekend." So off he went in the rain while I tried to coax the kitten to lay down and play quietly with a catnip mouse.

And the kitten lay down with the fuzzy mouse, and the cat and I watched him and were still. J.R. returned feeling 150% better, and we've had dinner, and folded laundry, and taken out the trash, and talked about our days, and felt some more of that same calm.

And tomorrow I will return to my place on the mat stronger and hopefully carrying some of that stillness.

Days 19 & 20: Balance

Just as I find the balancing series of postures to be especially difficult, I am also finding it difficult to maintain some kind of balance in my life as the challenge progresses. One of the reasons I avoided attempting a challenge in the past was that I didn't want my whole life to revolve around my yoga. The class is only 90 minutes but I like to walk up to the studio about a half-hour before to sign in, set up my mat, go to the bathroom and then stretch and lay in savasana for a 10 minutes before class begins. I also like to cool down and take a shower before walking back home so it becomes 2 1/2 hours out of my day. Then I need to make sure that I've eaten something that will fuel my practice, but leave a 3-hour window before class so I'm not nauseous and I need to remember to drink water consistently throughout the day.

So basically, I'm thinking about the yoga all day. During the week, I work full time so I come home from work, go to yoga, eat dinner, blog and go to sleep.

This weekend I also had a coven meeting to prepare for and attend (I'm Wiccan), friends staying overnight from out of town that I wanted to enjoy Sunday morning breakfast with, grocery shopping to do, vegetarian chili and roasted vegetables to make for lunches and dinner this week, laundry (although J.R offered to do it this week along with picking up our CSA share. Thank you J.R.!), a house to clean, and a birthday dinner to attend. I did it all (including 11:00 a.m. class on Saturday with Sarah and the 4:00 p.m. with Lynne today) but I'm exhausted and it's Sunday night at 10:57 p.m. and the reason the weekend exists (to get some downtime before the work week begins anew) seems not to apply. And I don't even have children! (I honestly don't know how all of you with children manage your lives. I seem to need a lot of downtime that you never receive!)

Anyway, I didn't mean this to be a big complaint blog. I'm grateful BYH offers as many classes as it does so I can manage it and even more grateful that J.R. is so understanding and is picking up a lot of my slack around the house while this challenge is on. Lynne asked me if I'd had a bad class because I had to sit a few sets out due to dizziness and nausea. I was actually thinking I was doing pretty well, all things considering, and I finally managed to stick both sets of Garurasana. Now, if I can just find that stillness we're always seeking in class during the rest of the day, I'll be in good shape. I need to discover the outside-life equivalent of savasana to reset my equilibrium as time for relxation will be next to nil for the next 40 days. On second thought, I just have to make it to spring break on March 15!

Not so bad after all!

Day 18: Don't Fight It

I'd been planning to go to the 6:00 p.m. class all day. I had my last snack right before 3:00, I drank the water, and I hadn't been to class since 6:15 a.m. the previous morning. And then ...

"I'm not going to yoga," I said defiantly to J.R. as we carpooled home. "It's Friday night. I want to be like NORMAL people. I want to out to dinner or to the grocery store. I have that report to write. That's it. I'm not going."

I was home for exactly four minutes before I said sullenly, "Never mind. I'm going."

Why am I still fighting this? I had a great class. I didn't need to sit down once, I didn't feel nauseous and I stayed in the room even though I had to pee after the second set of pranayama. I'm full of energy. I saw lots of lovely yogi friends and even met the divine John who works the front counter!

Somewhere {it may even have been a comment on this blog} I read that the purpose of the series is to struggle, not suffer. This is true in life as well. Why do we make things so hard on ourselves? Why can't we relax into our lives? We know what to do, why do we fight that internal wisdom? Fear is where suffering is born; what are we so afraid of?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." --Marianne Williamson

"Where there is fear, there is power." --Starhawk

Am I becoming powerful? Is this yoga transforming more than my body? Am I beginning to escape the clutches of the ego in some small way and the ego is retaliating by sending up smoke screens? Or am I just lazy and wanted a night off? I don't know but I'm looking forward to finding out.

Stay tuned.

Day 17: Not a Morning Person

I am not a morning person. I have to be at work at 8:30 a.m. and it takes me 20-25 minutes to get there. I wake up at 7:35, take a shower, get dressed, pack my lunch, and am out the door by 8:05. I don't even have coffee until I get to the office or breakfast until 10:00 a.m.

But I was at the 6:15 a.m. yoga class at BYH this morning. That's what a challenge does. Whether or not to go is not really the question anymore, just what time.

Tonight was a faculty/staff meeting followed by a dinner at the school where I work, so today the time was 6:15 a.m.

I was grateful there was a class I could attend, grateful for Lynne's caffeine-driven energy but oh! I was tight! I couldn't even bend my neck back in pranayama. I felt off because I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink and I was nauseous from camel to the end of class. My body wants the stretch and the work after it has been sedentary all day. All those spine bends feel like nirvana after being in a cute but decidedly unergonomic 50s retro chair. The whole day is a warmup in a sense. For me, first thing in the morning just felt too jarring.

It was fun, though, to be at dinner tonight and know that I had already met today's challenge!

Day 16: Top Ten Reasons

I enjoyed tonight's class, taught by Kyle, for lots of reasons.

1. I was cranky when I walked into the studio and elated when I walked out.
2. Kyle really emphasized being still both in and between the postures.
3. It was fun being in the front row near A.J. & Kyra, two young, pretzely people who go into advanced postures.
4. My back hurts but it's the good hurt that comes from working all those different muscles.
5. I got some height in full locust.
6. I asked a question about having straight wrists in floor bow and Kyle demonstrated how to do each part of the posture step by step. What a difference!
7. In rabbit I thought one of my middle vertebra was going to come right through my skin. The stretch felt so good after camel.
8. After I touched my forehead to my thumbs, Kyle told me to put my forehead on my shins and pull even more! 
9. I made a new friend.
10. I didn't feel nauseous at any point in the practice.
    

Overall, there was just a buoyancy to the entire class. Everyone was working hard, but there were jokes made and questions asked and even some laughter. All good!

Now if I can just get myself to that 6:15 a.m. class tomorrow!

Day 15: The How and Why

Today was a better day! The wheel goes up and it goes down and then it goes up again. Sarah was teaching and one of the things I enjoy most about her classes is that she takes the time to explain the how and the why of postures. For the how she will stop after a first set and either explain the posture more thoroughly or actually demonstrate the way the hip comes further down or how to set up for triangle. Even after a long time of practicing this yoga, I still find that seeing a posture done correctly helps me to make a jump in my understanding. I really don't look at anybody besides myself during class, so taking time out to watch a posture is a terrific gift.

The other thing that Sarah always explains is the why. Why it's important to keep the throat choked in a particular position. What medical benefits come from practicing each posture. Why the series is in the order that it is. I love understanding the intricacy of it all. And I especially appreciate that while I am desperately struggling to breathe normally in standing separate leg head-to-knee pose, while keeping my forehead high on the knee and locking my legs, that I am stimulating the thyroid gland, boosting my metabolism and immune systems, and toning my entire middle body! Hooray!

Even though I felt nauseous after my almost flying-toward-the-mirror camel until the end of the class, I also felt good. It was a relief to know that although I'd been feeling apprehensive about tonight's practice, I'd been able to let it go and take the class as it was given. My camel tonight was even deeper than the one last night. My shoulders are starting to let go in certain postures and are taking my body in new directions. My standing bows are curvier and my damn hips are finally beginning to open! A little nausea is a small price to pay for all of that.

Day 14: Meeting What Comes Up

I had such a hard time today in class. Lynne was being her ebullient self. She yelled at me to suck in my stomach at one point early on saying, "I read your blog Heather; I know how you cheat!" I laughed along with everyone else and then very soon after that everything deteriorated.

I had to sit on my mat during the balancing series because I became so dizzy I saw nothing but flickering static. I couldn't seem to catch my breath or slow down my heart during the floor series. And then after touching my fingertips to my forehead in the second to last posture, I started crying in savasana.

While we rested during the savasana that follows the final set of camel, Lynne gently reassured everyone that it was okay to feel dizzy or strange after such a deep backbend. Camel stirs up physical uneasiness, emotional disturbances and other distressing conditions. The important thing she said, "was to meet whatever comes up squarely and then be still with it." I laid through the entire second set wondering what this was that was coming up?

I came up with a long and messy list of reasons and I looked at it squarely, but although I kept my body still, I could not be still with that list. I just felt overwhelmed and I remembered wise words from a leader at a retreat I attended a year ago: "You can be uncomfortable and still be okay."

I felt undone and when I left the hot room, I curled into fetus position on top of my sopping towel and waited until I felt less wobbly before taking a shower. Everyone in the locker room was lovely and supportive. Shelley reminded me that there is no safer place to cry and that it's a gift of release that we are occasionally lucky enough to receive in this yoga.

How wise and loving people can be! I'm so fortunate that I have all of you and this yoga to make me both uncomfortable and okay; both safe and on the edge of distress; both aware and at peace.

Day 13: No Big Deal

I believe I mentioned in my first post that I have a longstanding relationship with the "All or Nothing Lizard." Yesterday, for various reasons, I decided to skip a day of class and then spent a lot of time being disappointed with myself. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and could not get back to sleep and it was one of the things that was keeping me up. I have learned not to fight sleeplessness. I get up, go to the bathroon, drink something and go back to bed. If I'm still awake 20 minutes later, then I get up and clean the kitchen, sort through my e-mail, or take a bath and read a book. After about an hour or two, I go back to bed and usually back to sleep.

This morning I took care of some work projects and then took a bath. The cats came in to see what was going on {they love it when I'm up in the night!} and as I sat in the tub I looked the skipped class squarely in the eye. What was really the issue? I decided I was afraid I was in the grip of the "All or Nothing Lizard." I didn't want to report to you that I had "failed." What a terrible master fear is! Back to what Pema Chodron and J.R. {my eminently practical and loving boyfriend} say: "No Big Deal."

"No Big Deal" is a very new thing for me. I make everything into a big deal all the time, but I am slowly {very slowly} learning to let things go. It was really no big deal that I had skipped a day. I'll make it up or I won't, but I'll still continue the challenge. I'll still continue to give it as much as I can. I'll still continue to have a regular practice when the challenge is through.

Today's class was very hot, very wet, and terrific! Lynne noticed that I was now able to touch my thumbs to my forehead in paschimotthanasana and I noticed that both my cobra and locust {!} were much stronger. I could lift myself much higher and my back was really starting to feel stronger. Take that Mr. Lizard! I am not going to quit!

I dedicate this post to J.R. because today is Valentine's Day, tomorrow is J.R.'s birthday, and every day he is loving, supportive, and teaching me that a lot of stuff in my life is really no big deal. He, on the other hand, means a GREAT BIG DEAL!

Day 11: Push

Today was a great class because I was pushed. I arrived at the studio a little later than I have been and when I walked in to lay down my mat, there was no room in the first row. I set my mat down in the second row where I can still see myself but I can't really look into my own eyes. This always makes the class different for me. I tend to see my whole body better, but for poses where I count on the intensity of my gaze to hold me in the posture, I have to rely on something else. Today the something else was Abby.

Abby is a great teacher. She always sounds excited to be sharing the dialogue with the class, {I can't imagine her ever "phoning it in."} and she was watching us like a hawk. She corrected me in Awkward and in Pada Hastasana all of a sudden she zeroed in on me and said, "Heather! Pull harder! Bring your body even further down." Now, almost no one ever corrects me on that pose. It's one that I can pull my body into pretty easily after a few classes and my forehead is usually pretty far down onto my shins. But from halfway across the room, she could tell that there was more in me than I was giving and she asked me for it.

I managed to hang onto both sets of triangle even though my hips were getting wobbly and I practically fell out at the end. I wasn't sure I could stand and so I sat down for the first set of Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee. That lasted all of about 5 seconds. "Come on Heather. You're doing this posture." And you know what? I did. Both sets.

After that, I just gave it everything I had. Who am I to set limits on myself if Abby believes in me? If she is going to push me to do better {and she's watching a lot of people in that class}, how can I not push myself?

So often, just showing up for class is half the battle. What then, is the other half? It is one thing to "get through" a class and something entirely different to "practice" yoga. It is not required of me that I do the postures perfectly. It is required of me that I try my hardest and not just in the positions that I struggle in, but also in the ones that I think are simple, or the ones that follow the hard ones. In short, I should give it my all through the entire class. You get what you give and I received so much today.

Thank you Abby!

Day 10: Snap Crackle Pop

"Snap, Crackle, Pop," Sarah says as we go down into Awkward. She can hear everyone's knees cracking. This is how I feel for the entire class. I'm glad to be back in the studio. The sun is shining, the snow has finally stopped {for now}, but my body is just tired and hurting. Everything feels tight and muscles I didn't even know I had are in pain. I finally manage to stick both sets of triangle, determined to hang on, and then fall on my butt on the way out. I slog through the entire class, am grateful to make it to the end and then for the rest of the day anytime I shrug, I hear snap, crackle, pop in my shoulders. Things are definitely shifting and moving.

I'm beginning to think I'll be better off when I return to work and a regular schedule. I don't think I'm drinking enough water and I'm usually a night class person. By 7:00 p.m. every night, I've been at work either hunched over my desk or running up and down 3 sets of stairs all day and my body wants to stretch and reach and pull. For the last week, I've been going to yoga in the morning or at noon and then crawling back to bed to read, do some work or play Scrabble with J.R. and that's it! My poor body is doing all this hard work in class and then nothing at all for the rest of the day. No wonder I'm tight!

I think I'm going to prescribe shoveling out the back walk and going to the 4:00 p.m. class for today {I didn't post last night. Too tired!} And I'm going to drink copious amounts of water starting right now. See you later!

Day 9: Sweetheart!

Alas! We are snowed out again at BYH. Happily, a very smart yogini who is friends with the studio on Facebook, posted that Bikram's recording of a class is available from iTunes. I downloaded it, heated the office {the room shown in a few posts below}, spread out my mat, and let Bikram himself teach my class of one.

It was surprising. I loved that he kept calling his students {and me} sweetheart throughout the whole dialogue:

"Elbow locked, sweetheart! Come on the toes, sweetheart, on the toes! Sweetheart, your upper body back more!" 

I loved how he sprinkled in his philosophy:

"One of these days you will understand what is this yoga all about; what yoga can do for you. Yoga makes you, you. Nobody in this world knows why you came to this earth. What is the purpose of your birth?"

How he sang after Head to Knee pose.

I laughed several times at his outrageousness and grinned several times more, and was so grateful that I could keep my daily practice intact.

But it did seem long. I missed the energy of our class. I missed the way a whole group of people trying so intently and trying to let go equally as intently makes us strong as a whole. We don't talk in class and we really don't look at each other as we watch ourselves in the mirror, but we are still aware of each other and still respect the effort that is going on in the room. We feel the connectivity between ourselves and from there it becomes easier to feel how EVERYTHING is connected.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can meet at the studio again tomorrow!

Day 8: Laugh a Little

Today, I did not want to go to yoga. Now mind you, at this point there is almost nothing for me to do BUT go to yoga. The school where I work is still closed due to the snow and we are receiving more snow even now. Other than laundry, I have nothing else I have to do. And still I did not want to go. My body is starting to hurt everywhere and after a nap yesterday and a really good night's sleep last night, I still woke up exhausted. Happily, the decision not to go wasn't really one I had to make. I'm in a 60-Day-Challenge, therefore, if the studio is open, I go.

I went. And was rewarded with a good and fun class taught by a good and funny teacher. I find that the Universe is like this most of the time. If I make the effort, it almost always meets me more than halfway.

Kyle told jokes and funny little stories and even sang a little. She also worked us hard and gave praise and corrections in equal measure. She was with us. Because of this, I was able to notice that my face was all scrunched up during a particularly difficult posture and I thought, "You're lucky to be here. You're lucky your body can do this practice and you're lucky you can walk here. Smile and let it go." And I smiled and completed the posture with something resembling grace, and left the studio with more energy than when I had entered it.

The practice is very difficult, but it's also a celebration. We need to work hard, but we don't need to take ourselves so seriously. We can concentrate, meditate, but smile at ourselves in the mirror as we do so. Yoga is not postures performed perfectly. Yoga is a way to be present, on our mats and in our lives, with hearts that are joyfully open.

Thank you Kyle and everyone else at BYH!

Day 7: I Learn By Going Where I Have To Go

This time last week I was just entertaining the idea of going back to yoga after almost a year's hiatus. I had no idea a 60-Day Challenge was beginning, and no notion that I would sign up. I did know that I needed to surprise my life in some way. Do something different enough and large enough that I would force myself to grow.

I have a terrific book I bought when I first began yoga five years ago. It's called "Meditations from the Mat" by Rolf Gates and Katrina Kenison. The structure of the book is daily reflections and there is a quote that precedes each one. They are essays on the yoga sutras peppered with Gates' own stories about his and his students' practices. And the following excerpt seemed a good way to sum up the week.

"I learn by going where I have to go." --Theodore Roethke

.... The truth is, we are all so very, very vulnerable. Life is as it is. .... The only thing we can control is our attitude. We have the choice of life or death, love or fear, in each moment. And we bear the responsibility for that choice in each moment. Nowhere is this more apparent that when we embark on a regular yoga practice. We set out to better ourselves, only to find legions of reasons to break our commitment to health. We say it is too difficult to make the hard choice today. And yet the obstacles in our path are the path. Each time we stretch beyond our resistance and our fear, we make a choice for life. And every time we choose life, we find that fear loses its grip on us. We all know more than we think we do, and we are stronger than we believe ourselves to be. We come to our mats, and to our lives, to learn by going where we have to go."

So after a week where is my practice? Today my left hip seems tighter now than it did a week ago, the outer part of my thighs are killing me, and my left knee hurt while going into fixed firm pose {a surprise since fixed firm is usually a lovely vacation for me}. I also went deep into both sets of camel {which felt glorious} and touched my thumbs to my forehead in paschimotthanasa. Happily my friend Shelley came home with me after class and we had lunch and caught up, but when she left I passed out for two hours, exhausted. And I am running yet another load of laundry. Again.

Every day is different. Every practice is different. I learn by going where I have to go.

Day 6: Suck Your Stomach In!

Today BYH opened it's doors for a 2:00 class for foot traffic only. B'more is still buried under its 2+ feet of snow and now there is more forecast for Tuesday. I'm lucky that I only live a few blocks from my studio. After a day on my own it was such a gift to be able to return to the hot room and a good teacher. Thank you Abby!

Before class I asked Abby if she could think of any reason the lower left side of my back/top of my butt hurt so badly. She thought about it a bit and then said it could be that I was collapsing on that side in half moon instead of sucking in my stomach and lifting up and over.

Inwardly I groaned. Somehow I knew sucking in my stomach was going to be the problem. One of the things you hear all the time in Bikram Yoga is that if you're naturally flexible, you use your flexibility to make you strong. If you're strong, you use your strength to make you flexible. I'm naturally flexible and have a core like mush. In addition, I've gained about 20 pounds since I last had a consistent practice and some of that weight is a flabby, multiple-rolls belly.

*sigh*

In the final spine twist I can't reach all the way over to grip my thigh because that stomach is in the way. I've always had a tough time breathing while sucking in my stomach and, because it's tough to tell in my slightly loose yoga top, I cheat. As long as I continue to do this, I will only be able to make so much progress in my postures and so I am cheating myself.

So, joyful to be back in the hot studio, I resolved to hold that stomach in for every posture I was told to. You may or may not know, but in Bikram's 26 posture series there are only three times we are not asked to suck in our stomachs {I know. I checked with Abby after class.}: the back bend that is part of Half Moon, Camel, and Savasana. That's a lot of gut-sucking. By the time we got to Eagle I was exhausted and that's only the fourth posture! I fell out on the same side during both sets and just laughed. There is always so much to learn and fix and struggle through, just like the rest of life.

I will be holding that belly in until maybe I finally develop that core strength I always hear so much about but never experience. And maybe, just maybe, if I can do that, I'll find the strength to do a lot of other things that currently feel impossible!

Day 5: Bikram Yoga 34th Street

Question: What do you do when the universe graces your town with two and a half feet of snow (and this is Baltimore folks!), you're participating in a Bikram Yoga 60-Day Challenge, and your studio closes?

Answer: Pull out the space heaters, unscrew your mirror from the back of the door, roll out your mat, and practice at home!

I guess the other answer would be to double up on another day, but Sarah, who owns Bikram Yoga Hampden, sent out an e-mail and suggested we try to do the yoga ourselves and reminded us that:

The only thing you need to practice yoga is your own body and that is with you at all times. This is a good opportunity to remember that and experience a new connection.

I decided that although I would try to do the whole series, that I would only do one set of each pose. So I set up two space heaters, J.R. {my lovely and wonderful boyfriend} took the mirror down for me and set it up in the office, and I took a hot bath while the space warmed up.

It was an interesting experience.

The quiet immediately reminded me of a time when I'd taken a silent class at BYH about five years ago. Sarah stood with us and we moved when she did and the room was so peaceful. As I progressed through the series {silently counting up to a minute in the poses that we normally hold for that time} I started to hear the dialogue in my head spoken by all the different teachers I've had over the years and it was like a reunion. I am grateful for every teacher I have ever had. Considering how tight the dialogue is, it's amazing how much of themselves they give with it. I learn something new from each one of them.

The voice of the busybody ego popped up at one point: "You know this doesn't really count. You're not sweating very much and only one set isn't REALLY doing the whole series."


"Shhhhhhh," I said and it was silent. I smiled as I looked at the ceiling in savasana.

It did feel very different. Less heat and one set made me feel incredibly strong if not as flexible. I found that I could hold the standing head to knee and the standing bow much easier. In the standing bow I heard the line of dialogue about how with the right balance of stretching and kicking I should be able to hold the pose forever and so I held it for two minutes before slowly reversing out of it. And that felt glorious!

The snow has finally stopped and as much as I enjoyed today's practice, I'm looking forward to returning to Bikram's torture chamber with all the yogis and yoginis.

{hint, hint, nudge, nudge Sarah!}

Day 4: The Energy Field

What a difference a decent night's sleep makes! Baltimore is anticipating a snowstorm of mythological proportions and the school where I work declared today a snow day last night. I was excited to attend the usually not-an-option 9:30 class.  Lots of room, seeing an old book club friend, and the determination to dismiss the blabbermouth ego with "just thinking," all led to a much more joyful practice for me.

Lynne was our teacher this morning. She read a passage during Savasana from another BYH student's blog, who is at the championship in Los Angeles, and it was beautiful and inspiring. The other really terrific thing that happened was that during the locust series savasanas she reminded us to keep our gaze and, and thus our energy, close to us. I had this immediate image in my head of wild yogic energy bouncing around the room like a group of unruly toddlers, bumping into the mirrors, and swirling dizzyingly all around us. Right after that was an image of each of us with a tight energy field emanating from our bodies, touching where they met the people next to us, and then humming upward to create one glorious glow.

Nothing like grace in a 109-degree room!

Day 3: I Have Met the Enemy

Day 3 and every muscle is screaming in my body. Stairs have become instruments of torture but I'm fired up to go to yoga. I walk into the room, lay on the mat, put my forehead to the floor and ask the universe to help me truly do the best I can, not the best I can fake. Class begins. I hurt but not as badly as I'd thought by how I felt during the day. The poses come and go and although I have to sit out the second set of triangle and I fall out of Balancing Stick, I can already see progress from two nights ago. To all outward appearances I'm having a pretty decent, focused class.

But inside, there is a war raging. I am distracted by everything and everyone around me and the judgmental voice of my ego is at a fever pitch.

I have met the enemy and she is me.

Did I post last night that the hardest part of yoga was just getting myself to class?

Ha!

I pride myself on my focus in class. I hold my gaze and remain still. One of my earliest teachers was very strict and I learned, as Bikram says in his book, "The only right way is the hard way." And learning to focus in that way has helped my yoga and I hope it will help my life. But tonight I lost my focus to the voice of the ego and had a bad class.

The hardest part tonight was trying to silence that nitpicking, nonstop, rotten, judgmental voice.

I was desperate. I would plead with myself while in the poses. "It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. That's their practice and you don't know anything about them or what they're dealing with today. Your job is just to look at yourself in the mirror and practice your yoga. Just listen to Sarah and do what Sarah says." In Savasana the mantra was "Breathe in. Breathe out."  I was trying to drown the voice with another voice, with the sane, wise voice, but that one is just a trick of the ego as well. "Oh, see, you're wise," that voice whispers, trying to inflate itself at the expense of everyone else in the room. And then I would be disgusted with myself all over again. Exhausting!

It wasn't until I was out of class, sitting with my head resting on my knees trying to get it together that I was calm enough to think "No big deal. You didn't sleep well last night and you lost your cool. It happens. You're just a flawed human being and that's okay. Go take a shower, go home and eat some sushi, get some sleep, come back in here tomorrow at 9:30 and just see how it goes. If it happens again, what do you do? You label it 'thinking' and let it go. Just the way you let your body go in Savasana. And it will take as much practice as the poses do because it's a much a part of the yoga as the poses are."

"No big deal." and "You label it 'thinking' and let it go." is from Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron and so it is both wise and true.

See you in the morning.

Day 2: Open Like a Flower Petal Blooming

The 60-Day Challenge began on Monday. I took class last night for the first time in a year. Tonight I signed up for the Challenge. So after I finished class tonight I wrote my name on the chart, put an X through Monday, put a check for Tuesday, and a big fat check for today. Here I am.

"Here I am" was also the first thing I mouthed to the universe as I stretched out my hips and put my forehead to the mat in the dark before class began. I could feel the intense heat whispering across my back, could hear the door open and close as others came in to spread out their mats, could smell the humidity from the last class. "Here I am. Please help me get through this class with some semblance of grace and I will try to let go and allow that grace room to happen."

I'm 41 and I'm beginning to see and feel the effects of it. I've been lazy and in love and as happy as I've ever been, but I haven't been treating my body with any respect and it shows. No waist, blemished skin, interrupted sleep, hips that hurt after a half-hour walk, migraines, and a recent bout with a cold that turned into a nasty sinus infection. I NEVER get sick. And the body is the temple of the spirit. It was time to go back to Bikram.

Bikram Yoga fixes everything in my life. It takes care of what I eat and how much, it forces me to drink the water I'm supposed to be providing my body and more, it tones everything, makes me strong, and gives me self-confidence like it's going out of style. Because I've had some AMAZING teachers, it requires me to be focused, calm, and correct. Happily, those benefits tend to spill over into the rest of life.

So go ahead and ask: "If Bikram Yoga is so wonderful for you, why do you keep running away from it?" Good question. Because I'm naturally lazy. Because {as one friend once put it} the "All or Nothing Lizard" has a death grip on my shoulder and once I take a few days off that's it. Because I have a million and one excuses: too hot, too tired, my whole life can't be about Bikram, I don't have the money, my feet hurt, etc.

Thus, the 60-Day Challenge. I can relax now. There will be no internal struggle every day about how I need to go to yoga but I don't want to go to yoga. For the next 57 days I have to be on the mat and not going is no longer an option. Once I'm at the studio all I have to do is listen to the teacher, do what she says, and allow grace to open me -- like a flower petal blooming.

Can you tell it's the first night?