I'd been planning to go to the 6:00 p.m. class all day. I had my last snack right before 3:00, I drank the water, and I hadn't been to class since 6:15 a.m. the previous morning. And then ...
"I'm not going to yoga," I said defiantly to J.R. as we carpooled home. "It's Friday night. I want to be like NORMAL people. I want to out to dinner or to the grocery store. I have that report to write. That's it. I'm not going."
I was home for exactly four minutes before I said sullenly, "Never mind. I'm going."
Why am I still fighting this? I had a great class. I didn't need to sit down once, I didn't feel nauseous and I stayed in the room even though I had to pee after the second set of pranayama. I'm full of energy. I saw lots of lovely yogi friends and even met the divine John who works the front counter!
Somewhere {it may even have been a comment on this blog} I read that the purpose of the series is to struggle, not suffer. This is true in life as well. Why do we make things so hard on ourselves? Why can't we relax into our lives? We know what to do, why do we fight that internal wisdom? Fear is where suffering is born; what are we so afraid of?
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." --Marianne Williamson
"Where there is fear, there is power." --Starhawk
Am I becoming powerful? Is this yoga transforming more than my body? Am I beginning to escape the clutches of the ego in some small way and the ego is retaliating by sending up smoke screens? Or am I just lazy and wanted a night off? I don't know but I'm looking forward to finding out.
Stay tuned.
Go Back and Look Again
8 years ago
2 comments:
Hi Heather. I am a BYHite and just started reading your blog. You can check out mine, which is about both Bikram and rowing (my other love) at http://amykleine.wordpress.com
Thanks for doing this blog. I love being able to look into the minds of other people with whom I practice and to share the experience of the hot box. I, like Kyle, don't do the challenges partly because I do not want yoga to become mandatory in my life - at least not now. I think I would resist it if it were something I had to do. Maybe that is the point!?
Thanks Amy! As you can see, I struggle with it every day. I think that one day a challenge will come up and you'll decide you'll do it. One of the reasons I decided to do it was to get myself into a regular practice. You already have a good regular practice so maybe it's not necessary for you!
Your blog is terrific! I left a comment on your awkward pose post.
See you at class!
Heather
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