Day 53, Class 44 & 1/2: Testing My Limits

Despite my brave words from the last post, there was little smiling at the 9:00 a.m. class. Kyle announced that Sarah had a new studio rule. The front row was prime real estate and they were going to ask those in the front row not to sit down. If you needed a break from a posture and you were in the front row, you could stand. I was already a little nervous going in to class because I still hurt and I still planned to do a double, but I also thought it was fair. New people stand in the back so they can see what more experienced yogis are doing. When we sit down, there is a domino effect. And so often, we do give ourselves a break simply because we can.

I stayed in the front row and I stayed standing but it was a class with a lot of hurt. Trying to push through was important to me. As I have said in numerous posts, I am a weenie. If it hurts, I tend to pull away and as J.R. remarked to me one day, "You aren't the least bit competitive." I'm not. I think that some athletes are and that state of mind helps them get through the task at hand. Pada Hastasana was hard, Separate Leg Stretching was hard, the sit ups were painful and these are all things I normally look forward to! And there were tears at certain junctures and the runny nose that comes with it and makes it hard to breathe.

I apologize to anyone who tried to talk to me between classes. I wasn't very good company, but I was determined. So I changed my clothes, put a comb through my hair, drank some coconut water, and went back in and laid in Savasana until Sarah flipped the lights on for the 11:00 class. When I got to my feet it wasn't pretty. The whole left side of my body from mid-back to ankle hurt and the act of standing up required some contortion. That should have been the ultimate sign to me, but of course, it wasn't. Sarah must have seen me though, because she asked what was wrong and when I told her she said gently, "Maybe this isn't the best day for a double."

Even that wasn't enough, I drew myself up and said I really wanted to get a few more classes in for the challenge and that time was running out. And so we began. Pranayama wasn't too bad, Half-Moon hurt, but Half-Moon frequently hurts, the Back Bend was awful but it's supposed to hurt, right? Pada Hastasana was brutal. Straightening back up I felt old and highly arthritic. Awkward was okay, Eagle was okay, even Separate Leg Head to Knee and Standing Bow were okay and then came Separate Leg Stretching and that was the end. I hurt so badly and I had a really difficult time coming out of it and even though we were almost halfway through the class, I knew there was no one way I could continue. I started to cry with huge wracking sobs and said to Sarah, "I think you were right about this not being a good day for a double." Then I picked up my stuff and fled.

Sarah asked Kyle if she could pinch hit for a while and then she came after me. I felt terrible about distracting the entire class and pulling Kyle away from her practice. Sarah was wonderful. She called me a "bruiser" and wrapped a towel around me, got me an ice pack and some pillows, and told me to lie there for as long as I needed. She checked on me again during the two-minute Savasana and told me to move the ice pack so I didn't "freezer burn" myself.

So there I was, lying on my back in the lobby, staring up at the halogens, listening to Aretha Franklin {I LOVE Aretha Franklin!} and thinking. As Sarah said while she was getting me set up, "It's so hard to know which voice to listen to." But I think trying was important for me. It was necessary for me to come to the 9:00 even though I already hurt. Understanding and learning to trust the voices around us and inside us is so vital. And it's good to stretch our expectations of ourselves as much as it is to stretch our bodies. I still hurt today, but I've stretched the boundaries of what I think I can do.

So my plan of accomplishing two doubles this weekend has been scrapped. Right now, I'm just kind of hoping I can make it to today's 4:00 p.m. class. If it hurts too much even then, then I'll plan to go to 7:00 p.m. on Monday. Happily, the yoga studio and its lovely people and its challenges are always there!